Ironically, June did bring a big relief. Let me explain. Last March, I gave a talk at Ignite London entitled "My Dying Wish", which you can watch here:
What was I afraid of? Well... dying, of course. Talking about death helped me prepare, as best I could, for facing the unknown. It brought me peace of mind and put to test everything I had come to understand over the last several years. The biggest suffering I experienced was caused by attachment. I love my husband and children and don't want to leave them– there was still so much for us to experience together. And my work here is far from finished– there is still so much I want to contribute to this world. I'm not even finished developing– I want to see who I become 50 years from now.
But those are only "I wants" and life is so much bigger than that. As much as I would like to believe my wants drive my existence, my existence is also much bigger than that (and so is yours). Our lives intersect with so many other lives and desires that it's beyond our comprehension and by appreciating my interconnectedness with the obvious and the obscure, I loosened my grip on my wants and left room for mystery and curiosity– after a couple of bouts of ugly cries.
Facing the fear of my life being over sooner than I had anticipated, helped me realize a few things:
- If I die "before my time" it would all still be perfect. Up until now, I'm confident in the love I have infused into my family, the parenting abilities of my husband and the supportive network of our friends and family that I know my husband and two daughters would heal beautifully and become great contributors to society.
- The balanced life I've come to successfully create does not need to be compromised. I don't have to try to do more in a shorter period of time. Whatever I've started during my earthly time will somehow be finished by someone else because we are all connected.
- With the exception of speaking and writing more (and publicly declaring my vision of peace) I will die with no regrets.
- I'm happy with the choices I've made in regards to my health. At this point, if it was my time then it was my time. With the exception of a few minor tweaks, there would be nothing more I could do to lead a healthier lifestyle. I was happy not to have pissed away my vitality.
- Always leave room for the miracles in life.
The idea of becoming sick to become better doesn't bode well with me. Nor does the idea of my children seeing mommy sick. I had the privilege of speaking to Dr. Rachelle and Dr. Kreso and hearing about their experience with thyroid cancer , which armed me with realistic alternatives.
As you can guess, the more information I sought and received, the more allowed my emotions to be immediately and fully expressed my fears subsided and I felt positioned to make any decision I may be faced with.
I'm glad I managed to establish a calm mind early on, because trying to get an answer wasn't easy. If I hadn't sought out an additional specialist to the one my family doctor referred me to, I would still be waiting for an appointment. Did I mention this process started back in February? Thanks to a friend, I found an ENT in Stratford who could see me, which I am very grateful for.
My close friend, Melanie and I would make my appointments in Stratford an excuse for a girls' road trip. My husband, Kevin, accompanied me for the biopsy and ultrasound results only to hear, "We haven't quite found what we're looking for, so we need you to come back for a CT scan." Since it was now May, hearing those words were disappointing and frustrating at the same time and threatened my calm state of mind.
I went to the CT scan by myself and I have to admit, I felt vulnerable. The contrast dye they injected into me prior to the scan made it difficult to breathe and made me feel extremely nauseous. It was enough to make me determined to never have another one.
As luck (or the mysteries in life) would have it, the very next day after my CT scan I had an appointment with my family doctor for my annual check up, which was booked several months earlier. Thanks to technology, instead of waiting for an appointment with my ENT in Stratford to get the CT scan results, my GP was able to give me a much needed sneak peek. I am happy to say the results were in my favour. Unofficially, the mass is benign and is not attached to any lymph nodes or other important parts associated with the throat and it may have been present since birth. My final appointment with the ENT is in the near future, so I am still uncertain if a surgery will be necessary or not, but at this point I am just relieved and very humbled.
I am humbled by the people in our nation with serious health conditions and require medical care, but are not receiving it and may not know how to advocate for themselves. I've heard negative things about our medical system and from what I have experienced, it has confirmed for me that something is definitely broken and needs to be fixed. Like I said, I've had a request for a referral appointment with an ENT in London since February and four months later I still haven't a call.
I am even more humbled by the millions of people who have to face the reality of cancer and its effect on their lives, like my mother-in-law, who is currently battling stage IV breast cancer. Their road in life has got to be one of the most challenging. For those who survive, life takes on a much deeper meaning and for those who die they become courageous heroes.
As for me, I will continue to life in a way that when I take my last breath, I will have no regrets.
*For years on Boxing Day (Dec. 26th) or shortly thereafter (because calendars are 1/2 price!) I have been buying "1000 Places to See Before You Die" calendars. Each month is a big deal in our house because on the 1st day we get to see where we're "going" for the month. We take time to look at all of the pictures, say what we like or don't like about the scenery and then decide if we really would like to travel there one day. If so, we add it to our list of future travel destinations.
