Get Rid of the Anger

I have seen my share of suffering: experiencing society's view of my skin colour, my parents divorce, domestic violence (within my family and experienced first hand*), poverty, the loss of a baby,  and my mother's struggles with schizoaffective disorder, which included 3 serious suicide attempts. Shortly after my 15th birthday until the birth of my oldest daughter, at the age of 29, my life was challenging to say the least. Not until the last 10 years has my life has become peaceful– that I have become peaceful.

Before then I was angry. I didn't want to have to mother my mother. I didn't want anyone to ever hit me or degrade me again. Anger kept me in a fighter's stance at all times. I kept throwing fists at life and wondered why I continued to be antagonized.

But what happens when you let go of that anger, when you open yourself up to something more? You quickly realize that anger has become part of your identity and without it, you suddenly feel vulnerable. Let me take a step back... you suddenly feel. You feel the hurt that is buried beneath the anger: the disappointment, the rejection, the sorrow of life not turning out the way you want it to and all of that translates into a feeling of not being good enough, like somehow you're broken and unworthy of love.  And if you let all of that go, grieving all of it at one time, because yes, you have realized you deserved better "back there", your body will release tears that have been stored inside for years, occupying the space reserved for self-worth.  You suddenly let go of the greedy child that takes– without permission– what she feels is rightfully hers and has tantrums when she is unable to.

Feeling gratitude while on a beach in Thailand last December.

When you let go of all of that, you create space for forgiveness of self and others as you realize, they too have acted out of a place of hurt and scarcity. You create space for gratitude as you realize there isn't a day, not even a moment that goes by without something to be grateful for, leading you to abundance instead of scarcity. You create space for love to enter your life in the most unpredictable forms and intensities, because you realize you are lovable. Most important of all, you create space to give love in the forms of compassion, kindness and acceptance not just to others, but to yourself.

Life is going to have challenges, but when you stay grounded in love, the agitation experienced in the mind is no different than the choppy waves on the surface of the ocean. If you dive below, the waters are calm and vast. Anger on the other hand, offers no relief. Have you ever tried diving into white water? I wouldn't recommend it.

"I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day."
                                                                                                                                                      - Og Mandino

(...and I will never water a weed.)

*To ward off any confusion, my experience with domestic violence happened prior to meeting my husband, during a long-term relationship of 6 years.