I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

photo credit: stock.xchng

Maya Angelou once wrote an autobiography by the same title– a fascinating book that you should read if you haven't already, but that isn't what inspired this post.

No, it was reading the following words from Buddhist monk, Nichiren Daishonin:

"When a caged bird sings, birds who are flying in the sky are thereby summoned and gather around, and when the birds flying in the sky gather around, the bird in the cage strives to get out."

It is the amount of truth in this metaphor that renders its power. The "truth" being that if we can just stay close to our true nature, if we can continue to uplift others and create beauty despite our own suffering or limitations, our courage will be inspired and strengthened so we may break free and improve our own life circumstances.

And even when we are not aware of our substandard life– because a cage may be all we've ever known– if we continue to strive to add value to the world around us, new possibilities will come into view. They will inspire and motivate us to stretch beyond our current way of being, until one day we have found a way out of our cage... out of our small lives... allowing us to experience a freedom we've never known before, turning our ignorance into a spectacle for us to observe.

And the ones who are free... they are bound to the ones who are not. The joy they feel as their wings spread and carry them to new lands is never taken for granted. It is something they cannot withhold from others. All they need is to hear a song from a cage.

Life Under Construction

It's not uncommon once you start a small home renovation project that it suddenly turns into something much larger than what you had in mind and your level of discomfort increases tenfold. Your intentions may have been to put in new kitchen cabinets and suddenly walls are being knocked down, new windows are being put in and you are suddenly living in a rather big mess. And that, my friends, is how life goes. 

Typically, when I initiate change, I like to take time to make sure I'm certain it is what I want, which is what I did in response to the strong inner pull I had been feeling to do something with my three passions: yoga, teaching and inspiring people. In late November, I made the decision to leave my position as client relations manager at rtraction to pursue my own venture. In December, with the blessing of my husband, I made the announcement at work. But sometimes, life has it's own idea of what change should look like.

A month before I made the decision to change careers (again) my mother, who had surgery on her back last summer and can no longer work, was put in a position of having to find a new place to live by February 1st. Being that she lived alone and was 2 hours away, I felt the best thing for her would be to move closer to me.

Christmas came and my incredibly resilient mother-in-law began to succumb to the stage IV breast cancer that had been in her body for the last 4 years.  On January 19, my mother-in-law passed away. My husband and I were with her when she took her last breath and the cancer left but a shadow of her body. My husband, whose father died five years ago and who also lost his only brother in a car accident, is now the only living member of his nuclear family.

Like everyone else who experiences the death of a loved one, we took whatever energy we had left to plan a service in less than a week. The day before the service, on January 25th, we drove to Windsor, in a snow storm to move my mother to London; a date that was planned at the end of November. We moved her things into storage and she is now settled in with us until she begins receiving disability benefits, which, fingers crossed, should be early spring.

January 29 was my last day at rtraction. On January 30, I became an entrepreneur developing her business set to launch in September.

And that my friends, is how life goes. One little flap of a butterfly wing creates an unforgiving tornado that sweeps through your life and changes everything. And do you know what I think? I think it's the BEST THING EVER. To me, it is a sign of major transformation for my husband, my mother, my children, and myself. Will life in 2013 be challenging for us? Absolutely. Will it be scary at times? Absolutely. In times like these, I like to focus on the fantastic outcomes. For when the caterpillar enters the chrysalis and everything goes black and its body turns to goo, that's when the mystery enters and we just have to trust that it will know how to rebuild us in ways even we couldn't imagine for ourselves. Yes, these are exciting times for my family. And if I pay attention, there will be gifts around every corner waiting to reveal themselves along the way. 

And while we're at it, we are going to do some home renovations. What the hell... might as well keep the momentum going!

Get Rid of the Anger

I have seen my share of suffering: experiencing society's view of my skin colour, my parents divorce, domestic violence (within my family and experienced first hand*), poverty, the loss of a baby,  and my mother's struggles with schizoaffective disorder, which included 3 serious suicide attempts. Shortly after my 15th birthday until the birth of my oldest daughter, at the age of 29, my life was challenging to say the least. Not until the last 10 years has my life has become peaceful– that I have become peaceful.

Before then I was angry. I didn't want to have to mother my mother. I didn't want anyone to ever hit me or degrade me again. Anger kept me in a fighter's stance at all times. I kept throwing fists at life and wondered why I continued to be antagonized.

But what happens when you let go of that anger, when you open yourself up to something more? You quickly realize that anger has become part of your identity and without it, you suddenly feel vulnerable. Let me take a step back... you suddenly feel. You feel the hurt that is buried beneath the anger: the disappointment, the rejection, the sorrow of life not turning out the way you want it to and all of that translates into a feeling of not being good enough, like somehow you're broken and unworthy of love.  And if you let all of that go, grieving all of it at one time, because yes, you have realized you deserved better "back there", your body will release tears that have been stored inside for years, occupying the space reserved for self-worth.  You suddenly let go of the greedy child that takes– without permission– what she feels is rightfully hers and has tantrums when she is unable to.

Feeling gratitude while on a beach in Thailand last December.

When you let go of all of that, you create space for forgiveness of self and others as you realize, they too have acted out of a place of hurt and scarcity. You create space for gratitude as you realize there isn't a day, not even a moment that goes by without something to be grateful for, leading you to abundance instead of scarcity. You create space for love to enter your life in the most unpredictable forms and intensities, because you realize you are lovable. Most important of all, you create space to give love in the forms of compassion, kindness and acceptance not just to others, but to yourself.

Life is going to have challenges, but when you stay grounded in love, the agitation experienced in the mind is no different than the choppy waves on the surface of the ocean. If you dive below, the waters are calm and vast. Anger on the other hand, offers no relief. Have you ever tried diving into white water? I wouldn't recommend it.

"I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day."
                                                                                                                                                      - Og Mandino

(...and I will never water a weed.)

*To ward off any confusion, my experience with domestic violence happened prior to meeting my husband, during a long-term relationship of 6 years.

Things Get Worse Before They Get Better

So... where have you been looking for peace? (or maybe you call it happiness...)

I've seen you buy those packages at the store.
I know about that bottle hidden in your drawer.
And you... you think it's buried between the legs of a multitude of lovers.
Have you found anything yet, in the fridge, under that cellophane cover?
Did you check your briefcase just one more time?
I'm sure you, sir, will find it after you snort just one more line...

Tell me, what does it feel like when you sit too long and that black hole gets too close? Does it make your life feel meaningless and incomplete? Do you feel like there's something more you should be doing, but not a clue as to what? Maybe you feel sad and lonely, like the darkness will swallow you whole. Do questions you dare not answer creep into your mind? Who Am I? Why Am I here? What is life really about?

Heart races.

Anxiety rattles your chest.

Quick! Go back to sleep before it pulls you in too deep!

Flip through the channels and go back into mindless mode.
Watch someone else's fake reality nicely unfold.

Tsk!Tsk! Not so quick!
I'm not going to leave this time...
I'm staying.
This is IT.

You've kept me quiet
For far too long
What you are about to learn is
I AM big. I AM strong.

I have a desire
That needs to be born
I have a purpose to be fulfilled
Consider yourself warned

I will break you
Make you crumble to your knees
I will make you forget who you are
And about your pursuit of greed

No longer will you be able to point your finger
Without noticing three more pointing back at you
YOU are the cause of your own suffering...
How's that for a new point of view?

Take a look at your life
The one you so carefully constructed
The one built on lies and sick stories....
Messed up, isn't it?

Let go of all you know
And let's go for a ride
I promise I'll bring you back
But you won't be the same inside

Let's start by losing the logic
Go ahead, take it off
And those five senses of yours...
Find the button and press stop

Where I'm taking you
Time and space do not exist
Where I'm taking you
You will merge with All That Is

But before I can do that
You have to let the pain come
It's going to be big
And you are going to come undone

It will rip your heart open
And crush your bones
Shhh... there...there...
You are not alone

Each tear that falls
Is my greatest gift
I'll collect them all
For you to sip

Salt water heals
And purifies the deepest of hurts
It forgives and loves
The worst of the worst

Tears cleanse the eyes
So you can properly see
What has always been in front of you
And all you were truly meant to be

You are greatness. Yes, it's true.
That which you have
been looking for
Is... you

And those situations
And circumstances from the past,
Those were merely experiences–
Not meant to last

You've held on to them
For far too long
Let them go now
There is no right or wrong

Exhale... Today is your birthday.
Isn't wonderful to be truly born?
You're a clean slate
Nothing tattered, nothing torn

The pen is in your hand
Write what needs to be written
But wait, before you do,
Something is missing...

The time has now come
to merge with The One
Shhh...

Ecstasy...

Bliss...

PURE LOVE. 

Why have a body when one can be soooo e x p a n d e d...

Time is up.
Back to earth you have landed.


Don't be upset
You've done nothing wrong
There's work to be done here
You can't stay out there too long

Try not to get attached to that moment
It was just another experience
It's not meant to distract you
From what needs to be taken serious

The gifts and talents
Unique to only you
Must be fully expressed
Shared and nurtured, too

Only you can fulfill your role
It fits you just right
But if you get too comfortable
Even that will feel too tight

Nothing in this life
Is meant for you to hold
So live with your hands wide open
And always let go.

When darkness comes now
You will understand
It is meant to refine you
And soften your hands

You have opened up the heart
And expanded the mind
Now nurture the body
And leave the past behind

You create your future
With your thoughts, words and actions
Be it for the highest and greatest good for all
Focused with intention and full of passion

Now you are AWAKE
Connected to everything
Higher consciousness affects the whole

So
 
lift
       
your
             
voice
                    
and
                            
sing.