A Change of Fate.

Do you believe in fate? I do, but probably not in the way you may think. I believe every single human life has an infinite number of possible destinies (or in more practical terms, "possible outcomes") existing in any given moment. Who we are within determines which life story we are most aligned with and will therefore experience. In other words, as long as we continue to change within, the life we will experience externally will also change. I will be turning 40 this year, yet I feel I've had many lives within those years. As I continue to change, each 'life' keeps getting better.  This is why I believe our destiny is not in the stars, but in our hands. 

Once we make a shift within and become the person that deserves a non-toxic relationship, a better job, a healthier lifestyle, etc., it will take some time before our external life can catch up and we see the results we've been waiting for. That's because the crystallized shift within will be meeting the resistance of the life we currently live. It's a storyline based on who we were before the shift, so please don't get discouraged by the mismatch.

 When your external world does start to finally shift, things are going to fall apart or rather, "disassemble" for a while so your life can rearrange. (Wink. This is experience talking) You might become sick, your marriage may fall apart, your friends may disappear... the ways life can become messy are truly endless. As painful as this process is, see it as a sign of progress– as your story (or your fate) being revised and rewritten. Try not to rush it. There is so much to learn as you navigate your way through all of the discomfort while wearing a big ol' blindfold. Instead, be still. Don't make any big movements. Grow wiser and stronger. Resist the urge to turn around and seek the comfort and familiarity of your old life. All kinds of excuses will entice you to go back to the way things were and if you succumb, the whole process will shut down and chronic internal suffering (a.k.a. Hell) will be all that you gain. Is that how you really want to live?

The final stage is redemption. All that you have waited for has arrived. No... it's more like you have arrived to all that has always been waiting for you.
Namaste.

Get Rid of the Anger

I have seen my share of suffering: experiencing society's view of my skin colour, my parents divorce, domestic violence (within my family and experienced first hand*), poverty, the loss of a baby,  and my mother's struggles with schizoaffective disorder, which included 3 serious suicide attempts. Shortly after my 15th birthday until the birth of my oldest daughter, at the age of 29, my life was challenging to say the least. Not until the last 10 years has my life has become peaceful– that I have become peaceful.

Before then I was angry. I didn't want to have to mother my mother. I didn't want anyone to ever hit me or degrade me again. Anger kept me in a fighter's stance at all times. I kept throwing fists at life and wondered why I continued to be antagonized.

But what happens when you let go of that anger, when you open yourself up to something more? You quickly realize that anger has become part of your identity and without it, you suddenly feel vulnerable. Let me take a step back... you suddenly feel. You feel the hurt that is buried beneath the anger: the disappointment, the rejection, the sorrow of life not turning out the way you want it to and all of that translates into a feeling of not being good enough, like somehow you're broken and unworthy of love.  And if you let all of that go, grieving all of it at one time, because yes, you have realized you deserved better "back there", your body will release tears that have been stored inside for years, occupying the space reserved for self-worth.  You suddenly let go of the greedy child that takes– without permission– what she feels is rightfully hers and has tantrums when she is unable to.

Feeling gratitude while on a beach in Thailand last December.

When you let go of all of that, you create space for forgiveness of self and others as you realize, they too have acted out of a place of hurt and scarcity. You create space for gratitude as you realize there isn't a day, not even a moment that goes by without something to be grateful for, leading you to abundance instead of scarcity. You create space for love to enter your life in the most unpredictable forms and intensities, because you realize you are lovable. Most important of all, you create space to give love in the forms of compassion, kindness and acceptance not just to others, but to yourself.

Life is going to have challenges, but when you stay grounded in love, the agitation experienced in the mind is no different than the choppy waves on the surface of the ocean. If you dive below, the waters are calm and vast. Anger on the other hand, offers no relief. Have you ever tried diving into white water? I wouldn't recommend it.

"I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day."
                                                                                                                                                      - Og Mandino

(...and I will never water a weed.)

*To ward off any confusion, my experience with domestic violence happened prior to meeting my husband, during a long-term relationship of 6 years.

It's Not Just Positive Thinking... It's Work.

  The mind is powerful. We've heard it all before: when thoughts are focused and backed by will we can create anything. The will is a mental muscle. The problem is most of us have fat heads. Our thoughts are scattered and we do little to exercise our minds beyond the building of our perpetual "to-do" list.  Sure, many of us can proudly declare that we've set goals and have achieved them, but that doesn't necessarily mean the mind is strong.

The true ability to create anything doesn't just come from setting and accomplishing goals, it comes from being able to choose the quality of thoughts, which thereby increases the quality of not only what you create, but the quality of who you become in the process of creating. What good is it if you finally make your million dollars, but you're full of anger? Or if you lose that extra 20 lbs, but you're full of guilt? The why you want to create is more important than the what. The why is what will provide sustenance to your will, because if it's compelling enough it will be what pushes you to walk through the fires you are bound to face.  Becoming healthy so you can look good on the beach isn't as compelling as so you can physically enjoy life to the fullest.  Working toward that dream job so you can buy a new Mercedes-Benz isn't as compelling as so you can help more people with the extra money you earn.

Whenever you are trying to create something new, the creative process raises sensitivities that will either encourage you to reinforce existing bad habits or redefine who you are. The key is paying attention to your tendencies toward feelings of inadequacy or failure, which usually translates into anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, etc... basically all the feelings you don't enjoy feeling.

Self-defeating thoughts are bound to make an appearance, but it's up to you whether or not you accept them. Think of them as a function of self-preservation. They are merely a retaliation to your attempt to deviate from your current belief system, which defines who you currently are. It's an obstacle... a test to see how you will choose to proceed and just how strong your will is. It's also fork in the road. You could push through on will alone, but when you accomplish your goal, you'll just be the same person at a different spot. Insecurities from prior unchanged beliefs will continue to pester your mind. Worse yet, if you push through merely on will, the how to achieving your goal may also have a hefty price: How many relationships did you damage along the way? How many morals did you have to compromise? What harm did you bring to your body?

The real problem is when these self-defeating thoughts occur and you make the mistake of accepting them as wise thoughts. Once they're accepted, your actions will follow. The trick is to take those thoughts and put them under a magnifying glass. See how they've managed to run your life thus far; influencing the decisions you've made and the people you have allowed into our life. Maybe it's even some of those very same people speaking your negative thoughts for you. The biggest question you could ask is not How am I going to change all of this? But rather What do I need to change within myself to move forward? Maybe it's to be more forgiving of your past mistakes or more compassionate toward your imperfections. Whatever virtue is waiting to be retrieved will bring forth wisdom and in the end, a much better version of you.

It may take several sessions of chipping away at your obstacles. Chances are you will experience taking a few steps back for some of the progress you make. It may seem like all of this is slowing down your process, but if you persevere you'll find it's actually transforming who your are. It's hard work building a solid foundation, but in the end, it's what will turn your vision into your new reality.

"I'm a big believer in growth. Life is not about achievement, it's about learning and growth, and developing qualities like compassion, patience, perseverance, love, and joy, and so forth. And so if that is the case, then I think our goals should include something which stretches us."
 
- Jack Canfield, co-creator of "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

One Question

Who are you? Who are you really? The way you may define yourself may not be defining who you are at all, but rather the story of yourself. You may start by saying your name (nice, but did you choose it?) You may state your occupation or job title (you do realize you can be unemployed at any given moment, don't you?) You may share your relationships– like the number of siblings you have, married or single, with or without children (even these precious ties can be severed or randomly extinguished)

Many of the things you define yourself by are actually roles that you experience, not who you are. My name is Chantelle and I experience being a woman, a mother, a wife, and so on, but this is not who I am. Even my body is like a robe that I have donned during this existence, but who is experiencing all of this? It is the same thing experiencing life as a homeless man, a rock star, a saint and a pedophile– perhaps different levels of consciousness, but still the same thing. Call it mind, spirit, wild or natural it's always there running in the background and it connects us all.

If you spend the time to define yourself by what you are truly not, you become closer to what you truly are. And what that is is what the world craves most. It's what the world needs most.

Quiet contemplation with my youngest daughter

Here's a song by Lotus Theory, an indie band from London, Ontario, Canada to help you get started. And if you require a little more inspiration, listen to Indian philosopher Krishnamurti on the subject of who you are.  The path you take to get there is up to you... All I ask is you take the journey.