Chaos and Calm Go Hand in Hand.

A death in the family. Crazy activity schedule for kids. Immediate and extended family demands that can't always be met. A new business to tend to... this, in a nutshell, is what's been happening in the last month.

Right now, everything is a blur.

Life just keeps happening no matter who you are. And yes, even being the yogi that I am, I still experience moments when I am reduced to a time-starved, high stressed, carb-eating human doing (not being). The truth is, this is the unsustainable part of the human experience in a privileged country.

Once in a while, things get super busy and chaotic. Depending on the nature of it all, it could last a few weeks, a month or a whole year, especially if there has been a major life crisis. The tough part is recognizing when the tornado of activity is over and it's time to readjust how we move through our day.  I see this quite often with people who are unable to lie still in relaxation at the end of a yoga class; they have the time and space to do nothing, but their bodies and minds just keep going.

Currently, slowing down isn't my struggle. Okay, I lie... it is. Only I have a strong desire to slow down, but the timing isn't quite right. I don't enjoy being this busy, but I do recognize this is the particular season of my life at the moment AND... it's a recently new season, so I have to allow myself time to adapt and adjust. Quite frequently throughout the day, I am checking in with my breathing, the amount of tension in my body and my state of mind.  I find minutes of refuge that feel like hours of recharge when I stop to take in a hug from one of my children, when I pause for a minute to sit silently in my backyard, when I sneak in a handstand before returning to my computer after a bathroom break, when my head hits my pillow at a decent bed time at night... No, these aren't prolonged moments of deep contemplation or silence. Nor are they long hikes in the forest or an evening out with girlfriends. These moments are fleeting, but as long as I can pause to appreciate them they still count and they still refuel my tank.  I know eventually they will grow in length and these hurried days will calm down... and then... start up again... and calm down again... This is life.

What I am struggling with is disappointing extended family members at my current lack of availability. There was a time when I was going to university full-time and working three jobs. There just wasn't enough time in the day to spend time with family. That time in my life is over, but this "season" is quite reminiscent of those old days. It's also reminiscent of a few years ago, when our daughters were 3- and 6-years-old and I returned to school full time to study corporate communications and public relations. It was extremely busy, but that time is over... And so too, this time will eventually come to an end. Chaos. Calm. Chaos. Calm.  Life is ever fluctuating and nothing stays the same. To my family... this won't last forever and I have to give myself permission to disappoint you. I know you still love me ;)

I thank the past version of my husband and myself for planning our annual back country canoe & camping trip to Algonquin Park back in May. I can't wait to embed and insulate myself with my family into the refuge of the wilderness. To wash off this last year of city dwelling and get back to being instead of doing– even if it's only for five days I will soak up every moment like it's a year long retreat. You can bet nobody will hear from me at all.