The Truth About Following Your Heart

"Follow your heart"...It's a theme woven throughout all forms of media, from billboards to children's movies, but what does it even mean? And how do you even know when your heart is speaking to you?

The most important place to start is knowing which heart you intend on following before you even think about accepting this ambiguously ambitious mission.

Wait... I have more than one heart?
 
Yes, well... if you include your physical heart, that would make three, but only one heart is the one you are actually supposed to follow and it's not the thumper in your chest.

Energetically speaking, you have what I would call two non-physical hearts: one belongs to your personality, the other to your spirit (or higher self). The heart of the personality is governed by desires and fueled by lies and insecurities. It's responsible for the impulse purchase of the shoes you had to have because they'll make you look more (you fill in the blank). It causes you to eat food not because we're hungry, but because it makes you feel (you fill in the blank)... you get the picture. Essentially, the heart of the personality has the maturity of a two year old and therefore happiness is intense, but fleeting and greatly dependent upon the impossible and dangerous quest of doing whatever it takes to keep baby happy. This heart will trick you every time into making detrimentally selfish moves that will erode your sense of self and stuff your closet with more skeletons than you can shake a bone at. You could say the heart of the personality is the maker of addictions, the director of extramarital affairs, and the conductor of debt; its mantra varies but includes "I want" "me... mine... I...". Clearly, if this is the heart you choose to follow, you will be heading for serious trouble.

"The heart of the personality is governed by desires and fueled by lies and insecurities."

The heart of the human spirit, however, is the complete opposite. It is governed by virtue and fueled by truth. It will have you asking the tough questions and facing the hard answers. It will lead you to purpose, meaning and ultimately to serving others. The spiritual heart will make you hungry for connection and community, helping you find your tribe, while remaining compassionate toward the rest of your human family. The heart of the spirit is knowing and wise, appreciating the value of time and persistence. It's transparent and sustainable because it's honest and generates it's own contentment. It has less of a variety of mantras, but a plethora of questions like "what will be the impact?" "is this the right thing to do?" or for "what will be for the highest and greatest good?"

Now don't get me wrong. The heart of the personality isn't something you need to try to get rid of. Rather, all it needs is a little structure and training so it can serve spiritual heart. There is only one "you" in body, personality, skills and talents that needs to be accurately expressed into the world. You are more than your superficial wants and needs. 

Dig Deep

 
The trouble with the heart of the personality is it has no weight of substance to keep it grounded. It's like a kite in the wind moving in whichever direction desire takes it; easy to get twisted in tangled in the least desirable of places or suddenly crash hard and without warning. It is vital to tame that recklessly wild heart by digging deep and anchoring it to all of the important life guiding stuff only accessible by knowing one's self. Successful heart-based voyagers know that following your heart is the disciplined art of staying aligned with your values and virtues.

When identifying values, it's important to go beyond the obvious. You may say family, but perhaps what you really mean is close, meaningful and loving relationships (or whatever other adjectives you would use to describe family). You may say career, but you may mean using my talent and skills in meaningful way and being fairly compensated for it. When we expand on the adjectives that describe what's important to us, the more we are able to be detailed about what truly enriches our lives, the more we can hold ourselves accountable for truly nurturing and protecting them. If you haven't spent a lot of time finding out what your values are and rooting yourself to them, you truly have nothing guiding you. 

Once you uncover your values, the next thing to explore are your virtues. Which characteristics denotes a person living a highly respectful life? Honesty? Compassion? Discernment? Patience? Persistence? List these virtues and memorize them. These will become the standards by which you measure yourself and if you fall short in any area, you willingly commit to working hard to further developing them. Virtues keep you honest with yourself and are the building blocks of character. It's pretty hard to cultivate the virtue of honesty when you are about to charge that 10-day cruise to your credit card when you know you don't have the money in your bank account and you are determined to be more responsible with money. A strong character has the ability to look herself in the eye while gazing in the mirror and feel proud of the person she is–not how she looks–  because she's able to keep the heart of the personality in check.

Give yourself a “time-out”

By now, you are probably beginning to understand that following your heart is not a free-for-all. On the contrary, it is a very disciplined approach to living because once you have identified your values and virtues, you now have your own policing system in place. The beauty of being self-governed is the satisfaction you feel when you know you've done the right thing, as difficult as it was, and you can happily and proudly answer to yourself. Not only does living this way take will power, it is a constant flow of conscious, deeply personal decisions that no longer have you seeking external approval, thereby moving your source of happiness within yourself. While you may envision free-spirited, follow-your-bliss kind of person always saying "yes", freedom of heart requires saying "no" much more frequently.
 
And when you find yourself off course, which is bound to happen from time to time, it's important to sit it out for a while so you can stop what has been set in motion. Misalignment means it's time to be still and quiet. It's a time to tune into your spiritual heart and listen so you can get back on track again. It's also a time to be kind to yourself and forgive the wrong turns you have taken, while vowing to do better. In essence, you are bringing the hearts of the personality and spirit back into harmony with each other, which will be extremely important when you find yourself lost for reasons beyond your own navigational skills.

Dead ends and obstacles are guaranteed
 
A lot of upsets, mistakes and failures are sure to be encountered on this path. Remember this: discouragement is the enemy. If your spiritual heart still desires it, then you have no choice but to find away over, through, around or under the obstacle. Never fall for "well... I guess the Universe is telling me it just isn't meant to be." Bullsh*t. If you give up and continue to dwell about it for days after, the disappointment you feel is your spiritual heart telling you to push on and get ready to learn and grow in the process. If you don't listen, you are signing yourself up to settle and suffer. On the other hand, if you can give up and not think twice about it, then it wasn't really that important to you in the first place or maybe the desire ran its course and it's time to move on.  

As far as the obstacles are concerned, they may seem to block you from where you want to go, but in reality they are the perfect opportunity to test your character and strengthen or gain some skills by taking a stand on what you value and expressing your virtues. If your two hearts are working together, you will find a way through the challenge, but not without exerting effort or ingenuity. The more situations you find yourself exercising these muscles, the stronger your character becomes. Then you'll see that following your heart isn't so much about the outcome as it is about how the process changes you for the better. These changes and victories over challenges are the secret sauce to gaining confidence in your ability to accomplish anything you put your mind to, on your terms.

Be resourceful
 
As Frank Baum wrote through the words of Glinda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz, “You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself”.
Following your heart is not about pursuing, but expressing and building. You must know yourself to know what is seeking to be expressed.  I repeat... there is nothing out there to be pursued. It is simply channeling all of the experiences, skills and talents you already have and love using and expressing, with a healthy respect for the experiences, skills and talents yet to be discovered. Know what you are already good at, what you love doing so much that you could lose track of time while doing it and being paid to do it would be a bonus. It doesn't matter if the skills and talents are related, just know what is at your disposal. You never know how seemingly unrelated skills can be paired together to create a new opportunity for yourself or cleverly overcome obstacles; nothing is wasted on this path. And equally important is remaining curious about the latent aspects of yourself that are just waiting for the right timing and conditions to emerge. When you follow your true heart, you are armed with the strength, courage and wisdom to be able to face whatever comes your way, and will surely build a life you can be proud of.

Chaos and Calm Go Hand in Hand.

A death in the family. Crazy activity schedule for kids. Immediate and extended family demands that can't always be met. A new business to tend to... this, in a nutshell, is what's been happening in the last month.

Right now, everything is a blur.

Life just keeps happening no matter who you are. And yes, even being the yogi that I am, I still experience moments when I am reduced to a time-starved, high stressed, carb-eating human doing (not being). The truth is, this is the unsustainable part of the human experience in a privileged country.

Once in a while, things get super busy and chaotic. Depending on the nature of it all, it could last a few weeks, a month or a whole year, especially if there has been a major life crisis. The tough part is recognizing when the tornado of activity is over and it's time to readjust how we move through our day.  I see this quite often with people who are unable to lie still in relaxation at the end of a yoga class; they have the time and space to do nothing, but their bodies and minds just keep going.

Currently, slowing down isn't my struggle. Okay, I lie... it is. Only I have a strong desire to slow down, but the timing isn't quite right. I don't enjoy being this busy, but I do recognize this is the particular season of my life at the moment AND... it's a recently new season, so I have to allow myself time to adapt and adjust. Quite frequently throughout the day, I am checking in with my breathing, the amount of tension in my body and my state of mind.  I find minutes of refuge that feel like hours of recharge when I stop to take in a hug from one of my children, when I pause for a minute to sit silently in my backyard, when I sneak in a handstand before returning to my computer after a bathroom break, when my head hits my pillow at a decent bed time at night... No, these aren't prolonged moments of deep contemplation or silence. Nor are they long hikes in the forest or an evening out with girlfriends. These moments are fleeting, but as long as I can pause to appreciate them they still count and they still refuel my tank.  I know eventually they will grow in length and these hurried days will calm down... and then... start up again... and calm down again... This is life.

What I am struggling with is disappointing extended family members at my current lack of availability. There was a time when I was going to university full-time and working three jobs. There just wasn't enough time in the day to spend time with family. That time in my life is over, but this "season" is quite reminiscent of those old days. It's also reminiscent of a few years ago, when our daughters were 3- and 6-years-old and I returned to school full time to study corporate communications and public relations. It was extremely busy, but that time is over... And so too, this time will eventually come to an end. Chaos. Calm. Chaos. Calm.  Life is ever fluctuating and nothing stays the same. To my family... this won't last forever and I have to give myself permission to disappoint you. I know you still love me ;)

I thank the past version of my husband and myself for planning our annual back country canoe & camping trip to Algonquin Park back in May. I can't wait to embed and insulate myself with my family into the refuge of the wilderness. To wash off this last year of city dwelling and get back to being instead of doing– even if it's only for five days I will soak up every moment like it's a year long retreat. You can bet nobody will hear from me at all.

Reflection on Year One of Entrepreneurship (Part 2)

What was I talking about??? What was I about to do??? Where did I put my keys???

Yes... Part 2 of Year One of Entrepreneurship is about the side effects of becoming an entrepreneur.

Mommy Brain is Back.

For the women out there who have experienced "mommy brain",  you will have some experience with scatterbrainitis that entrepreneurs tend to suffer from. Not only does one have more to think about, but each item to think about carries a greater weight of responsibility, which creates internal pressure not to forget anything, which in fact, results in the exact opposite– you forget everything. No longer can I judge business people who appear to be disorganized. Rather, I now appreciate all of the details that need to be attended to and the inexhaustible to-do list floating around in their mental space. It's easy to feel overwhelmed. Enter my mantra: "It will all get done... It will all get done... It will all get done..." which means, some things may not be done in timely matter as it may have been done in the past (ex. responding to emails, blogging, tweeting, etc.) but it doesn't mean I don't care. There's just not enough of me to go around.

I've come to accept a level of disorganization as part of being a business owner, but I've also learned the art of delegation. I simply cannot do everything. Time to start outsourcing. Enter the housecleaning crew, a part-time assistant, more team members and a little more room to breathe.

Look at my little cutie patootie... Awww... do you want your baba?

It's a strange phenomenon that happens to new parents... the tone of their voice changes and they begin speaking infantese. Ever met a business owner who only talks business?  I've caught myself several times. I think need to start reading tabloids.


Is their a multi-vitamin for time deficiency?

Just like having a new born, I am living for the survival and well-being of my neophyte business. When I'm not being a mother and wife, every available minute is unconditionally offered to my new business and just like when I brought my babies home, taking care of my own needs is hit and miss, but I know better than to let it go completely. I have maintained a sporadic 5:00am yoga practice. I take naps. I go to bed at before 11:00pm (most nights). I've been seeing my massage therapist... but I miss my play time.  I need some silliness and good belly laughs. I need to spend more time with friends and extended family. I need to be soaking up some fresh vitamin D and enjoying the outdoors– lately it's just been too cold for my tropically mixed blood. Hurry up warm weather!!!

It will all get done... It will all get done... It will all get done...

Sure it everything takes more effort, but what you end up with is a strong and healthy priority system because your time really is a precious and limited commodity. And just like parenting, being an entrepreneur is the most challenging and rewarding role one can have. I'm also setting out to defy the odds, to create a new model of healthy and well-thy entrepreneurship... please excuse me while I take a moment to "just breathe".

Get Rid of the Anger

I have seen my share of suffering: experiencing society's view of my skin colour, my parents divorce, domestic violence (within my family and experienced first hand*), poverty, the loss of a baby,  and my mother's struggles with schizoaffective disorder, which included 3 serious suicide attempts. Shortly after my 15th birthday until the birth of my oldest daughter, at the age of 29, my life was challenging to say the least. Not until the last 10 years has my life has become peaceful– that I have become peaceful.

Before then I was angry. I didn't want to have to mother my mother. I didn't want anyone to ever hit me or degrade me again. Anger kept me in a fighter's stance at all times. I kept throwing fists at life and wondered why I continued to be antagonized.

But what happens when you let go of that anger, when you open yourself up to something more? You quickly realize that anger has become part of your identity and without it, you suddenly feel vulnerable. Let me take a step back... you suddenly feel. You feel the hurt that is buried beneath the anger: the disappointment, the rejection, the sorrow of life not turning out the way you want it to and all of that translates into a feeling of not being good enough, like somehow you're broken and unworthy of love.  And if you let all of that go, grieving all of it at one time, because yes, you have realized you deserved better "back there", your body will release tears that have been stored inside for years, occupying the space reserved for self-worth.  You suddenly let go of the greedy child that takes– without permission– what she feels is rightfully hers and has tantrums when she is unable to.

Feeling gratitude while on a beach in Thailand last December.

When you let go of all of that, you create space for forgiveness of self and others as you realize, they too have acted out of a place of hurt and scarcity. You create space for gratitude as you realize there isn't a day, not even a moment that goes by without something to be grateful for, leading you to abundance instead of scarcity. You create space for love to enter your life in the most unpredictable forms and intensities, because you realize you are lovable. Most important of all, you create space to give love in the forms of compassion, kindness and acceptance not just to others, but to yourself.

Life is going to have challenges, but when you stay grounded in love, the agitation experienced in the mind is no different than the choppy waves on the surface of the ocean. If you dive below, the waters are calm and vast. Anger on the other hand, offers no relief. Have you ever tried diving into white water? I wouldn't recommend it.

"I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day."
                                                                                                                                                      - Og Mandino

(...and I will never water a weed.)

*To ward off any confusion, my experience with domestic violence happened prior to meeting my husband, during a long-term relationship of 6 years.

Things Get Worse Before They Get Better

So... where have you been looking for peace? (or maybe you call it happiness...)

I've seen you buy those packages at the store.
I know about that bottle hidden in your drawer.
And you... you think it's buried between the legs of a multitude of lovers.
Have you found anything yet, in the fridge, under that cellophane cover?
Did you check your briefcase just one more time?
I'm sure you, sir, will find it after you snort just one more line...

Tell me, what does it feel like when you sit too long and that black hole gets too close? Does it make your life feel meaningless and incomplete? Do you feel like there's something more you should be doing, but not a clue as to what? Maybe you feel sad and lonely, like the darkness will swallow you whole. Do questions you dare not answer creep into your mind? Who Am I? Why Am I here? What is life really about?

Heart races.

Anxiety rattles your chest.

Quick! Go back to sleep before it pulls you in too deep!

Flip through the channels and go back into mindless mode.
Watch someone else's fake reality nicely unfold.

Tsk!Tsk! Not so quick!
I'm not going to leave this time...
I'm staying.
This is IT.

You've kept me quiet
For far too long
What you are about to learn is
I AM big. I AM strong.

I have a desire
That needs to be born
I have a purpose to be fulfilled
Consider yourself warned

I will break you
Make you crumble to your knees
I will make you forget who you are
And about your pursuit of greed

No longer will you be able to point your finger
Without noticing three more pointing back at you
YOU are the cause of your own suffering...
How's that for a new point of view?

Take a look at your life
The one you so carefully constructed
The one built on lies and sick stories....
Messed up, isn't it?

Let go of all you know
And let's go for a ride
I promise I'll bring you back
But you won't be the same inside

Let's start by losing the logic
Go ahead, take it off
And those five senses of yours...
Find the button and press stop

Where I'm taking you
Time and space do not exist
Where I'm taking you
You will merge with All That Is

But before I can do that
You have to let the pain come
It's going to be big
And you are going to come undone

It will rip your heart open
And crush your bones
Shhh... there...there...
You are not alone

Each tear that falls
Is my greatest gift
I'll collect them all
For you to sip

Salt water heals
And purifies the deepest of hurts
It forgives and loves
The worst of the worst

Tears cleanse the eyes
So you can properly see
What has always been in front of you
And all you were truly meant to be

You are greatness. Yes, it's true.
That which you have
been looking for
Is... you

And those situations
And circumstances from the past,
Those were merely experiences–
Not meant to last

You've held on to them
For far too long
Let them go now
There is no right or wrong

Exhale... Today is your birthday.
Isn't wonderful to be truly born?
You're a clean slate
Nothing tattered, nothing torn

The pen is in your hand
Write what needs to be written
But wait, before you do,
Something is missing...

The time has now come
to merge with The One
Shhh...

Ecstasy...

Bliss...

PURE LOVE. 

Why have a body when one can be soooo e x p a n d e d...

Time is up.
Back to earth you have landed.


Don't be upset
You've done nothing wrong
There's work to be done here
You can't stay out there too long

Try not to get attached to that moment
It was just another experience
It's not meant to distract you
From what needs to be taken serious

The gifts and talents
Unique to only you
Must be fully expressed
Shared and nurtured, too

Only you can fulfill your role
It fits you just right
But if you get too comfortable
Even that will feel too tight

Nothing in this life
Is meant for you to hold
So live with your hands wide open
And always let go.

When darkness comes now
You will understand
It is meant to refine you
And soften your hands

You have opened up the heart
And expanded the mind
Now nurture the body
And leave the past behind

You create your future
With your thoughts, words and actions
Be it for the highest and greatest good for all
Focused with intention and full of passion

Now you are AWAKE
Connected to everything
Higher consciousness affects the whole

So
 
lift
       
your
             
voice
                    
and
                            
sing.

It's Not Just Positive Thinking... It's Work.

  The mind is powerful. We've heard it all before: when thoughts are focused and backed by will we can create anything. The will is a mental muscle. The problem is most of us have fat heads. Our thoughts are scattered and we do little to exercise our minds beyond the building of our perpetual "to-do" list.  Sure, many of us can proudly declare that we've set goals and have achieved them, but that doesn't necessarily mean the mind is strong.

The true ability to create anything doesn't just come from setting and accomplishing goals, it comes from being able to choose the quality of thoughts, which thereby increases the quality of not only what you create, but the quality of who you become in the process of creating. What good is it if you finally make your million dollars, but you're full of anger? Or if you lose that extra 20 lbs, but you're full of guilt? The why you want to create is more important than the what. The why is what will provide sustenance to your will, because if it's compelling enough it will be what pushes you to walk through the fires you are bound to face.  Becoming healthy so you can look good on the beach isn't as compelling as so you can physically enjoy life to the fullest.  Working toward that dream job so you can buy a new Mercedes-Benz isn't as compelling as so you can help more people with the extra money you earn.

Whenever you are trying to create something new, the creative process raises sensitivities that will either encourage you to reinforce existing bad habits or redefine who you are. The key is paying attention to your tendencies toward feelings of inadequacy or failure, which usually translates into anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, etc... basically all the feelings you don't enjoy feeling.

Self-defeating thoughts are bound to make an appearance, but it's up to you whether or not you accept them. Think of them as a function of self-preservation. They are merely a retaliation to your attempt to deviate from your current belief system, which defines who you currently are. It's an obstacle... a test to see how you will choose to proceed and just how strong your will is. It's also fork in the road. You could push through on will alone, but when you accomplish your goal, you'll just be the same person at a different spot. Insecurities from prior unchanged beliefs will continue to pester your mind. Worse yet, if you push through merely on will, the how to achieving your goal may also have a hefty price: How many relationships did you damage along the way? How many morals did you have to compromise? What harm did you bring to your body?

The real problem is when these self-defeating thoughts occur and you make the mistake of accepting them as wise thoughts. Once they're accepted, your actions will follow. The trick is to take those thoughts and put them under a magnifying glass. See how they've managed to run your life thus far; influencing the decisions you've made and the people you have allowed into our life. Maybe it's even some of those very same people speaking your negative thoughts for you. The biggest question you could ask is not How am I going to change all of this? But rather What do I need to change within myself to move forward? Maybe it's to be more forgiving of your past mistakes or more compassionate toward your imperfections. Whatever virtue is waiting to be retrieved will bring forth wisdom and in the end, a much better version of you.

It may take several sessions of chipping away at your obstacles. Chances are you will experience taking a few steps back for some of the progress you make. It may seem like all of this is slowing down your process, but if you persevere you'll find it's actually transforming who your are. It's hard work building a solid foundation, but in the end, it's what will turn your vision into your new reality.

"I'm a big believer in growth. Life is not about achievement, it's about learning and growth, and developing qualities like compassion, patience, perseverance, love, and joy, and so forth. And so if that is the case, then I think our goals should include something which stretches us."
 
- Jack Canfield, co-creator of "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

The Joys and Pains of Pleasure

 I've been lighting incense and buying a lot of coconut milk lately. I'm not in Thailand anymore, but I don't want to believe it. The other day, I ordered tom yum soup and was able to say "korp khun ka" just one more time. I continue to struggle to hold on to Thailand as long as I can before it slips into the recesses of my mind and my Canadian roots anchor my feet back to the ground. Thoughts of moving there have been playing mean tricks on me.  Extreme pleasure... is it different from extreme pain?

When something big happens in our lives, good or bad, it changes us. The unfolding that follows is the recovery period: with pain, it's healing from hurt, with pleasure, it's contracting from expansion.  When we heal we find wisdom, when we contract we find possibilities. With further thought, I guess we also find possibilities with healing and wisdom with contraction.

In the forest at Wat Umong, Chiang Mai

Extreme pleasure and pain involve personal rearranging and growth and both processes cannot be rushed because they have a timeline of their own, however one must take care to not let the present moment slip by unnoticed. It is in the present moment of healing or contraction that action is the most powerful. In fact, action becomes more like ritual and helps the process along.

Many years ago, my husband and I had a very sad ending to our first pregnancy, bringing extreme pain into our lives. To help recover from grief, I felt drawn to buying myself a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers every week. It was my way of remembering our baby boy and attempting to stay in the present moment. Deep down, I knew when I was ready to let go, I wouldn't need to buy the flowers anymore and of course, that's exactly what happened. I don't remember the exact day it happened, but I just stopped buying them. I do remember being able to notice beauty all around me again... in hindsight, buying flowers had become a ritual of hope.

My friend, Mae Bua Tong

Thailand, on the other hand, was all about extreme pleasure, to the point of being mystical: looking into the eye of an elephant as my daughter and I bathed her, listening to the chanting of buddhist monks– the sound soaking into my bones, breathing in the air of a rainforest thousands of years old, feeling the marble beneath my bare feet as we entered every wat (temple), tasting exotic spices and fruits that have never touched my tongue before, being alone and lost, but finding my way home... the Buddha images... the Buddha images.

Something has happened 'back there' and it continues to penetrate the deepest parts of who I am, beyond language and rational thinking. Cooking and eating Thai food has become my ritual as I navigate my way through the more mystical side of life. I feel compelled to read about Mystic Christianity (there's more to Jesus than you know) The Kabbalah, The Lotus Sutra, etc., etc., to revisit the truths beyond religion and to deepen the way I choose to live them. Don't ask. That's why I'm eating Thai food, because I don't get it either, but somehow it's all connected. The smells and tastes of the food is my way of remembering Thailand and what started all of this. I'm well aware a day will come when months will have passed since I've ordered a good dish of pad thai and on that day, I will be able to find out what this ritual has been about. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy the space I'm in: eating my Thai food, feeling my faith deepen and my connection to humanity and earth strengthen. Life... is... good.

It's Becoming a Blur

Rushed home from work. Missed the school bus by three mins. Picked up Jasi from neighbour's (and best friend) - luckily husband Jeff was home. Quickly (and graciously) said thank you. Said goodbye and Jasi and I were off to pick up Aislinn at school.

Jasmine looked at me and said, "Mom, why did you say 'Love You!' to Jeff?"

"I did?"

"Yes! You said "Goodbye! Love You!" She was clearly confused.

Well that was awkward; for two reasons...  First– I don't love Jeff! I mean he's a great guy and I admire him, but he's my best friend's husband! I guess I do love him, but not in that way. Second reason– if I am unconscious enough to say that without realizing it, what else have I been saying?

Luckily that conversation ended with both of us laughing at how ridiculous it was for me to be in that much of a rush that I was throwing the "L-word" around. But in my mind, I'm thinking has saying 'I love you' become an automated script? Where's the meaning in that?

45 minutes later, the kids and I are at home, chasing each other around in the backyard and enjoying the weather. We come inside to start homework. I walk to the back door and glance once more at the backyard.

"OH MY GOSH!!" I yell to the kids.

"WHAT???" they yell back.

"THE DAFFODILS HAVE BLOOMED!!!" I'm really excited about this. Aislinn joins me and says–

"I know."

"They were like that when we were out there playing a few minutes ago?" I ask.

"Yeah."

I shake my head. We were actually in the garden lifting rocks and looking for bugs and I didn't even notice the beautiful daffodils??? What else have I been missing?

It's clearly time to slow down enough to be present again. It doesn't matter how I got to this point. What matters is what I do next. Life doesn't have to be this way...