An Open Letter To Mr. Bill Cosby

Dear Mr. Cosby,

Tonight you will be performing in the city where I live, London, Ontario. When your show was first announced, my intention was to purchase tickets as a Christmas gift for my mother.  However, when the stories of your past involvement with sexually assaulting teenage girls surfaced, my heart sank. Sadly, I decided to look for another gift for my mother. The fall of another hero.

Mr. Cosby, I don't think you are a monster. No... to me you are simply a human being who has made some dark choices.

You are the same human being who reinforced good morals and values within me as a child and a developing teenager. I watched every episode of "Fat Albert and The Cosby Kids" growing up and can still recall your face appearing on the television screen just at the right time to point out the dilemma of the day and to emphasize the importance of the impending choices to be made. Mr. Cosby, as a child you reminded me to stop and think, to connect my actions with their impact, and most importantly, to do the right thing– something Fat Albert realized was always easier said than done.

Mr. Cosby, just when I began the tumultuous journey into adolescence, you cast a safety net around me with the launch of "The Cosby Show". As a young, racially-mixed girl growing up in the Canadian border town of Sarnia, your creation was the only positive reflection of African Americans playing over the media airwaves at that time. As I struggled with my racial identity, the Huxtables reminded me there was nothing to struggle with. I didn't have to accept what MTV and the 5 o'clock news was telling me about my skin colour and my destiny. No, the Huxtables held the torch of excellence and high standards for me. They brilliantly managed to transcend race altogether. ...And the Huxtable women! They were strong, intelligent, classy female characters that I aspired to emulate. They gave me another perspective on being a woman and also informed my personal story.

I've always kept my eye on you, Mr. Cosby, to observe all of the good you were doing for the world. Your standards followed you where ever you went, as you refused to speak nothing but proper English, without the vulgarity and crudeness of most stand-up comedians. As an educator, you made me feel proud of my role and the privilege I had to teach the inner city children of Detroit. I was behind you when received backlash from the black community about your unorthodox way of communicating higher standards for black children:

They’re standing on the corner and they can’t speak English.
I can’t even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain’t,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be…
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it’s important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can’t be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we’ve got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what?
And they won’t spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2?
Where were you when he was 12?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn’t know that he had a pistol?
And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn’t that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn’t that a sign of something?
Isn’t it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don’t know a thing about Africa …..
I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.
I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don’t have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ……… And all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person’s problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different ‘husbands’ — or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can’t write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
We cannot blame the white people any longer.’
~Dr.. William Henry ‘Bill’ Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.

Can I negate the positive influence you have been in my life? Absolutely not. Thank you for sharing your light, your wisdom and higher vision. But it appears, there is some darkness you must also address.  By doing so, you will not undo the good that you have done or will continue to do. Good can come from this, too, Mr. Cosby.

No human being can escape the universal law of cause and effect. The visible effects may not return to the owner in this lifetime, but it doesn't mean the effects are not there. The fact that the effects of your actions have returned to you while you still are alive is a blessing in disguise. You have an opportunity to right a wrong. All actions are witnessed: your consciousness and the consciousness of the now-grown-girls who have spoken have all witnessed the truth. When truths emerge out of darkness to meet, the waves either merge or crash into each other. If the truths merge, a new cause will be created. There will be healing; not just for the girls, but for all victims of sexual assault who have been suffering in silence. There will be healing for you as well, for only one's own suffering can cause him to exploit and harm another human being for his own pleasure. The nature and truth of that suffering will be for you to discover if you wish to turn your circumstances around. Of course, there are consequences to face; a falling out and a disintegration of the Bill Cosby that stands before us today, but on the other side of this disaster is peace for the victims and the emergence of man who has reconciled his wrong doings. 

Please Mr. Cosby, I ask that you do the right thing, despite the difficulties that lie ahead in doing so. Speak the truth. Own it. Walk the fire of consequences and take the journey of a true hero, you can only become a better human being in doing so. Your story is not just about you and these girls. It's about the human race and the multitude of ways we abuse and hurt each other. You have been given a great opportunity to make the biggest impact you will ever make on this earth. Seize it with sincerity and humility. Truth is the only way. 

I wish you all the courage in the world.

Much Peace,
Chantelle Diachina

Inspiration is Just Around the Corner

She's been walking by our house for more than a month now, but today we are ecstatic for her.

"MOM!!! COME LOOK!!! SHE'S WALKING ALL BY HERSELF!!!"

 I know exactly whom my daughters are referring to. I run into our dining room and stand behind my girls, who have their noses pressed up against the window. There she is... walking slowly on the sidewalk across the street. I'm sure she's still in pain, but she is free and clear. Nothing supporting her except for her husband, who has been by her side for every walk and is now walking a good three feet in front of her.

Before August, we had never seen this woman before. She kind of showed up out of the blue one day with a walker and some bandages wrapped around her right leg. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail and the lines on her middle-aged face showed she wasn't at all enthusiastic about going for a walk, but her husband was there, walking just a slow as she, helping her through the pain. When they made it to the front of our house, they paused and pointed with smiles on their faces. Maybe they were admiring our renovations or perhaps there was a side show being performed the local squirrels; for whatever reason she noticed us and we noticed her and that's when her story began to unfold for us.

For weeks they walked by our house, each time we noted her progress and became more and more excited for her. We didn't have to know what the details of her story were. We saw her struggle, her determination, her progress and we were inspired. Over time we witnessed the walker turn into a cane and the cane turn into her husband. Then the day came when we saw she no longer had to walk arm in arm with her husband. We couldn't help but cheer. We were just so happy for her!

Our victory cheer had to come to an end by the necessity of having to leave for gymnastics. The girls and I piled into our car and backed out of the driveway. As we approached this special woman and her husband, I slowed down to a pause and rolled down the window.

"Excuse me!" I shouted. "I just wanted to let you know that my girls and I have been watching you walk by our house week after week and we are so proud of your progress. You have really been inspiring to us. We're big fans!"

Her face lit up. She brought her hand to her chest. "REALLY??? OH! THANK YOU!"

All the while, her husband proudly looked on with a smile on his face. They continued on their way and we continued on ours.

 Yes, she has inspired me. Actually, both her and her husband have inspired me. He made her healing journey his journey as well, but clearly it was her pain. She had to challenge it and persevere while holding a vision of healing... and she succeeded. We couldn't imagine her walking by herself. In fact, it would seem foolish. Clearly, challenges seem smaller when we have someone who cares by our side. She showed my girls the value of never giving up, no matter how difficult it may seem and the true meaning of victory. She also taught us that we just never know how overcoming our own obstacles can inspire others who are watching.

5 Tips on Surviving the Marathons of Life

For some people it may seem their whole life is a marathon; one crisis after another. Others may go for a few years or a whole decade before a major crisis hits. One thing is for sure, no one experiences their entire life as a walk in the park.

We never sign up for these periods of chaos and upset in our lives, but they are inevitable. Unlike a marathon you voluntarily sign up for, there is no telling where the course will end or how far out the finish line is for a marathon of life.

2013 is turning out to be a run of uncertainty for most of my immediate family. Sometimes our courses overlap and other times we're completely on our own as various crises show up– all of which are here to teach and help us grow, but it's not always easy to remember the higher purpose of these moments.

I still manage to have a smile on my face (at least a couple times throughout the day!) and my feet keep moving, so I must be doing something right. Here's what has been working for me; hopefully you will find these tips helpful for you as well:

Tip #1: Drink LOTS of alcohol. NOT!!! Although I did have one too many glasses of wine with a girlfriend one evening. We laughed, we cried... and it was less expensive than seeing a psychologist. (See #5)

Okay... here is what I REALLY recommend: 

#1 Stay alert.  Don't close your eyes and moan and groan. When you close your eyes you miss the reasons to be happy and they are always reasons to be happy. It may be as simple as feeling the warmth of the sun on your face or a friendly hello from a stranger or the fact that you have food in your belly... those little "gifts" are like little packets of energy that will keep you going when you feel like your legs are about to give out.

#2 Bend but don't break.  Even though you may have a plan or a vision of how things are going to turn out, you have to be humble enough to accept that you don't have all of the answers. It may even mean throwing out your plan and learning as you go.

#3 Rest. Make time to get to bed at a decent time so you can get a good night's sleep. Sometimes sleep just isn't happening, in which case, Ujayi breath is a great remedy. Take naps if you can. Schedule quiet time when you can be alone and do absolutely nothing. Lie down and just be.

#4 Keep your sense of humour.  Sometimes this may require an "out of body experience"– you know... watching the situation unfold from an outsider's perspective. I've had many moments where the absurdity of the situation would have made for great sitcom material.  It's not always fun being the character, but it's funny to watch. If that isn't working for you, go watch a funny movie instead. A good belly laugh with friends will also do you some good.

#5 Get help. This time around, I decided to see a psychologist to help me keep a sense of clarity. I find talking to someone who doesn't know me or any of the people in my life is safe. She can challenge me, affirm valid feelings and provide a fresh perspective. She also draws great diagrams to explain things. I think I have a girl crush... 

Help can also come from people you know who have been through similar situations and are willing to share their wisdom. This is a primal instinct when you think about it. When we lived in tribes and clans we used to have a whole village to lean on. It takes a little more effort in modern times, but crisis can remind us of our connection to others and the common struggles we all share.

 And when all else fails... breathe.

A Change of Fate.

Do you believe in fate? I do, but probably not in the way you may think. I believe every single human life has an infinite number of possible destinies (or in more practical terms, "possible outcomes") existing in any given moment. Who we are within determines which life story we are most aligned with and will therefore experience. In other words, as long as we continue to change within, the life we will experience externally will also change. I will be turning 40 this year, yet I feel I've had many lives within those years. As I continue to change, each 'life' keeps getting better.  This is why I believe our destiny is not in the stars, but in our hands. 

Once we make a shift within and become the person that deserves a non-toxic relationship, a better job, a healthier lifestyle, etc., it will take some time before our external life can catch up and we see the results we've been waiting for. That's because the crystallized shift within will be meeting the resistance of the life we currently live. It's a storyline based on who we were before the shift, so please don't get discouraged by the mismatch.

 When your external world does start to finally shift, things are going to fall apart or rather, "disassemble" for a while so your life can rearrange. (Wink. This is experience talking) You might become sick, your marriage may fall apart, your friends may disappear... the ways life can become messy are truly endless. As painful as this process is, see it as a sign of progress– as your story (or your fate) being revised and rewritten. Try not to rush it. There is so much to learn as you navigate your way through all of the discomfort while wearing a big ol' blindfold. Instead, be still. Don't make any big movements. Grow wiser and stronger. Resist the urge to turn around and seek the comfort and familiarity of your old life. All kinds of excuses will entice you to go back to the way things were and if you succumb, the whole process will shut down and chronic internal suffering (a.k.a. Hell) will be all that you gain. Is that how you really want to live?

The final stage is redemption. All that you have waited for has arrived. No... it's more like you have arrived to all that has always been waiting for you.
Namaste.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

photo credit: stock.xchng

Maya Angelou once wrote an autobiography by the same title– a fascinating book that you should read if you haven't already, but that isn't what inspired this post.

No, it was reading the following words from Buddhist monk, Nichiren Daishonin:

"When a caged bird sings, birds who are flying in the sky are thereby summoned and gather around, and when the birds flying in the sky gather around, the bird in the cage strives to get out."

It is the amount of truth in this metaphor that renders its power. The "truth" being that if we can just stay close to our true nature, if we can continue to uplift others and create beauty despite our own suffering or limitations, our courage will be inspired and strengthened so we may break free and improve our own life circumstances.

And even when we are not aware of our substandard life– because a cage may be all we've ever known– if we continue to strive to add value to the world around us, new possibilities will come into view. They will inspire and motivate us to stretch beyond our current way of being, until one day we have found a way out of our cage... out of our small lives... allowing us to experience a freedom we've never known before, turning our ignorance into a spectacle for us to observe.

And the ones who are free... they are bound to the ones who are not. The joy they feel as their wings spread and carry them to new lands is never taken for granted. It is something they cannot withhold from others. All they need is to hear a song from a cage.

Have a Little Faith

When you have faith, the sun is always shining.

Faith is more than "believing" in something.  It is confidence and trust mixed together. To thrive in life, we have to know we are competent and know we will follow through without fail, even if it means overcoming obstacles. We make things difficult for ourselves when we become unsure of what our strengths are and/or we neglect to hold ourselves accountable for our lack of determination. Sometimes we put too much faith in others and not enough in ourselves. A lot of the time, we lack faith in the mysteries of life; the mysteries that bring the right person, the right circumstance, the right everything so you may thrive.

The culprit of lacking faith has to do with "the plan". Having a plan isn't a bad thing, just don't develop tunnel vision around it. Like a yogi on the mat, or a ship set to sea, you have to be prepared to adapt, adjust and modify as situations arise. Some situations may slow you down, others may expose you to new and unexpected experiences. At those times when you feel lost and fear begins to set in, go to your safe place where you can release your emotions and then emerge full of faith; with confidence and trust that you AND the mysteries of life are both competent and will follow through without fail. Even if it means overcoming obstacles. 

Life Under Construction

It's not uncommon once you start a small home renovation project that it suddenly turns into something much larger than what you had in mind and your level of discomfort increases tenfold. Your intentions may have been to put in new kitchen cabinets and suddenly walls are being knocked down, new windows are being put in and you are suddenly living in a rather big mess. And that, my friends, is how life goes. 

Typically, when I initiate change, I like to take time to make sure I'm certain it is what I want, which is what I did in response to the strong inner pull I had been feeling to do something with my three passions: yoga, teaching and inspiring people. In late November, I made the decision to leave my position as client relations manager at rtraction to pursue my own venture. In December, with the blessing of my husband, I made the announcement at work. But sometimes, life has it's own idea of what change should look like.

A month before I made the decision to change careers (again) my mother, who had surgery on her back last summer and can no longer work, was put in a position of having to find a new place to live by February 1st. Being that she lived alone and was 2 hours away, I felt the best thing for her would be to move closer to me.

Christmas came and my incredibly resilient mother-in-law began to succumb to the stage IV breast cancer that had been in her body for the last 4 years.  On January 19, my mother-in-law passed away. My husband and I were with her when she took her last breath and the cancer left but a shadow of her body. My husband, whose father died five years ago and who also lost his only brother in a car accident, is now the only living member of his nuclear family.

Like everyone else who experiences the death of a loved one, we took whatever energy we had left to plan a service in less than a week. The day before the service, on January 25th, we drove to Windsor, in a snow storm to move my mother to London; a date that was planned at the end of November. We moved her things into storage and she is now settled in with us until she begins receiving disability benefits, which, fingers crossed, should be early spring.

January 29 was my last day at rtraction. On January 30, I became an entrepreneur developing her business set to launch in September.

And that my friends, is how life goes. One little flap of a butterfly wing creates an unforgiving tornado that sweeps through your life and changes everything. And do you know what I think? I think it's the BEST THING EVER. To me, it is a sign of major transformation for my husband, my mother, my children, and myself. Will life in 2013 be challenging for us? Absolutely. Will it be scary at times? Absolutely. In times like these, I like to focus on the fantastic outcomes. For when the caterpillar enters the chrysalis and everything goes black and its body turns to goo, that's when the mystery enters and we just have to trust that it will know how to rebuild us in ways even we couldn't imagine for ourselves. Yes, these are exciting times for my family. And if I pay attention, there will be gifts around every corner waiting to reveal themselves along the way. 

And while we're at it, we are going to do some home renovations. What the hell... might as well keep the momentum going!

Another One Off My "Bucket List"

I've practiced yoga at 6:00 a.m. before, but never in the hallway of a hotel. It's not something on my bucket list, but what followed was: my husband and I running our first half marathon. My yoga practice not only warmed up my muscles, it focused my mind. I wasn't 100% sure if I could run the whole thing and I needed to cast away all doubt.

My husband and I (pre-race)

I drank my daily concoction of "greens"  that my husband packed for the both of us, ate a few slices of apples and then we were off. I felt confident I had enough energy to sustain me, given the amount of carbs I  had accumulated in my system from eating a large pasta dinner the night before.

With my step mother and our daughters in tow, Kevin and I made our way through the hotel lobby to catch the first taxi we saw. We could've easily walked to the start line, but... it was pouring rain. 

Great. Better stay dry as long as we can, I thought.

The good news was as soon as the run began the rain stopped. At that point, I could release the envy that crept into my mind and targeted everyone wearing a garbage bag. 

Within the first 15 minutes, my iPod quit working for reasons unknown. At that point, my crutch of comfort was taken away. No longer could I depend on the playlist of power songs I carefully put together the day before. No problem. The people, the music and the cheering put a smile on my face for the first 7 kilometers, until my right knee started hurting really bad. Then the people, the music and the cheering became necessities. I observed onlookers banging cowbells, which prompted me to begin yelling "MORE COWBELL!" so they would make more noise and distract me from the pain.

After 7 kilometers, my body was no longer running the show, my mind was:

My knee is really hurting. I hope I don't damage it.

It'll be okay. Just keep going.

But this totally contradicts the yogic view of honouring my body. I'm going beyond my limits.

Yes, but from a Buddhist view I'm overcoming an obstacle.

 Aww screw it. I didn't come all this way or bring my stepmother and children here to see me walk across the finish line. My yoga practice will make for a quick recovery. I'm not quitting.

Then I thought about olympic athletes, athletes with physical disabilities, and a co-worker who recently completed a half-iron man, which is 70km of running, biking and swimming, while she was sick. And when those thoughts didn't work, I recited a Buddhist mantra. Despite the feeling of my knee* threatening to give out at any moment, it held up and my husband and I crossed the finish line in 2 hours and 22 minutes.

This is what my half marathon experience has taught me:

1. Showing up counts as effort and builds momentum. Some people would rather talk about it than actually show up.
   
   
2. Showing up may count for something, but doing the actual work to achieve your goal requires conviction, perseverance, and people cheering from the side lines.
   
   
3. As Rachel Berdan (the co-worker I spoke about earlier) advised... "trust your training". The effort of your past actions will determine how ready you are to pursue your goal. Which leads me back to lesson #1- you can't just show up.
   
   
4. There was a sign someone was holding up along the route that read, "Losers never start. The weak never finish. Winners never quit." This kinda sums up lessons 1-3.
   
   
5. Rachel was right. When I stood at the start line, I realized I had been waiting for this moment and I was ready for it. All of my training brought me to this point, which confirms that any and all action toward any goal or dream means eventually you will not only show up for your moment, but you will finish it.
   
   
6. When you lose momentum or you feel like giving up, turn to your cheerleaders and encourage others along the way. I found myself spontaneously shouting at everyone around me, "Come on! You can do this! Don't quit!" You can try to lift your self up, but you gain more when you lift others up with you.
   
   
7. Never have a go at anything big alone. Having my husband running beside me kept me strong. Nothing beats approaching the "finish line", whatever that may be,  and seeing the faces of loved ones cheering you on, knowing they are witnessing an epic moment on your timeline.
   
   
8. Overcoming obstacles as a couple keep a marriage strong, especially ones you choose. That could mean eating healthier, getting out of debt or renovating a house. Carefully placed stressors make you work as a team.

So tell me... where are you in your half marathon of life? Watching others, while merely dreaming about pursuing that goal or dream? Have you showed up, but without doing the training only to say, "why bother?" or have you been working tirelessly with a vision of crossing the finish line? Maybe it's time to actually run. If you've been running and obstacles are in your way, don't give up and make sure you rely on those positive people you've surrounded yourself with. And... if you've crossed the finish line, maybe it's time you started helping others to do the same.

*After all is said and done, my knee is fine. And yes, yoga provided a quick recovery time– although on "day 3" of recovery I was sitting at an all day retreat for work and I kind of seized up. Mental note: stay moving post half-marathon.

A Hero Among Us

Last night, while teaching my yoga class, I had the privilege of meeting a man with an incredible story.
The class was packed with women. In walked a male newcomer. Middle-aged and bald-headed, he's husky and tattooed. His braced legs and cane carried him as he made his way to the front of the class. Within the first few repetitions of our sun salutations, he began showing signs of struggle and I became a little concerned that he may be discouraged and leave the class... but he didn't.
In fact, he gave his all throughout the entire class, taking breaks whenever he needed to and without apology. He was the last to leave and as I approach to thank him for coming, he introduced himself and told me his story.

Three years ago, he had a flu shot and he nearly died. His entire nervous system was blown out and recovery has been a very long process. He spent months in the hospital, extensive time in a wheelchair, eventually progressed to walking with two canes and now he is down to one cane. His neurologist told him to come to yoga and if he continued making the progress he was, he'd be back to work next year.

This... man... is... INCREDIBLE. As he told his story, I couldn't help but to notice his determination and positive attitude and my eyes couldn't help but to fill with tears of absolute humility. It's not often I come across such courageous and inspiring individuals face to face, but when I do I am wise enough to recognize I am in the presence of a hero.