5 Tips on Surviving the Marathons of Life

For some people it may seem their whole life is a marathon; one crisis after another. Others may go for a few years or a whole decade before a major crisis hits. One thing is for sure, no one experiences their entire life as a walk in the park.

We never sign up for these periods of chaos and upset in our lives, but they are inevitable. Unlike a marathon you voluntarily sign up for, there is no telling where the course will end or how far out the finish line is for a marathon of life.

2013 is turning out to be a run of uncertainty for most of my immediate family. Sometimes our courses overlap and other times we're completely on our own as various crises show up– all of which are here to teach and help us grow, but it's not always easy to remember the higher purpose of these moments.

I still manage to have a smile on my face (at least a couple times throughout the day!) and my feet keep moving, so I must be doing something right. Here's what has been working for me; hopefully you will find these tips helpful for you as well:

Tip #1: Drink LOTS of alcohol. NOT!!! Although I did have one too many glasses of wine with a girlfriend one evening. We laughed, we cried... and it was less expensive than seeing a psychologist. (See #5)

Okay... here is what I REALLY recommend: 

#1 Stay alert.  Don't close your eyes and moan and groan. When you close your eyes you miss the reasons to be happy and they are always reasons to be happy. It may be as simple as feeling the warmth of the sun on your face or a friendly hello from a stranger or the fact that you have food in your belly... those little "gifts" are like little packets of energy that will keep you going when you feel like your legs are about to give out.

#2 Bend but don't break.  Even though you may have a plan or a vision of how things are going to turn out, you have to be humble enough to accept that you don't have all of the answers. It may even mean throwing out your plan and learning as you go.

#3 Rest. Make time to get to bed at a decent time so you can get a good night's sleep. Sometimes sleep just isn't happening, in which case, Ujayi breath is a great remedy. Take naps if you can. Schedule quiet time when you can be alone and do absolutely nothing. Lie down and just be.

#4 Keep your sense of humour.  Sometimes this may require an "out of body experience"– you know... watching the situation unfold from an outsider's perspective. I've had many moments where the absurdity of the situation would have made for great sitcom material.  It's not always fun being the character, but it's funny to watch. If that isn't working for you, go watch a funny movie instead. A good belly laugh with friends will also do you some good.

#5 Get help. This time around, I decided to see a psychologist to help me keep a sense of clarity. I find talking to someone who doesn't know me or any of the people in my life is safe. She can challenge me, affirm valid feelings and provide a fresh perspective. She also draws great diagrams to explain things. I think I have a girl crush... 

Help can also come from people you know who have been through similar situations and are willing to share their wisdom. This is a primal instinct when you think about it. When we lived in tribes and clans we used to have a whole village to lean on. It takes a little more effort in modern times, but crisis can remind us of our connection to others and the common struggles we all share.

 And when all else fails... breathe.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

photo credit: stock.xchng

Maya Angelou once wrote an autobiography by the same title– a fascinating book that you should read if you haven't already, but that isn't what inspired this post.

No, it was reading the following words from Buddhist monk, Nichiren Daishonin:

"When a caged bird sings, birds who are flying in the sky are thereby summoned and gather around, and when the birds flying in the sky gather around, the bird in the cage strives to get out."

It is the amount of truth in this metaphor that renders its power. The "truth" being that if we can just stay close to our true nature, if we can continue to uplift others and create beauty despite our own suffering or limitations, our courage will be inspired and strengthened so we may break free and improve our own life circumstances.

And even when we are not aware of our substandard life– because a cage may be all we've ever known– if we continue to strive to add value to the world around us, new possibilities will come into view. They will inspire and motivate us to stretch beyond our current way of being, until one day we have found a way out of our cage... out of our small lives... allowing us to experience a freedom we've never known before, turning our ignorance into a spectacle for us to observe.

And the ones who are free... they are bound to the ones who are not. The joy they feel as their wings spread and carry them to new lands is never taken for granted. It is something they cannot withhold from others. All they need is to hear a song from a cage.

Life Under Construction

It's not uncommon once you start a small home renovation project that it suddenly turns into something much larger than what you had in mind and your level of discomfort increases tenfold. Your intentions may have been to put in new kitchen cabinets and suddenly walls are being knocked down, new windows are being put in and you are suddenly living in a rather big mess. And that, my friends, is how life goes. 

Typically, when I initiate change, I like to take time to make sure I'm certain it is what I want, which is what I did in response to the strong inner pull I had been feeling to do something with my three passions: yoga, teaching and inspiring people. In late November, I made the decision to leave my position as client relations manager at rtraction to pursue my own venture. In December, with the blessing of my husband, I made the announcement at work. But sometimes, life has it's own idea of what change should look like.

A month before I made the decision to change careers (again) my mother, who had surgery on her back last summer and can no longer work, was put in a position of having to find a new place to live by February 1st. Being that she lived alone and was 2 hours away, I felt the best thing for her would be to move closer to me.

Christmas came and my incredibly resilient mother-in-law began to succumb to the stage IV breast cancer that had been in her body for the last 4 years.  On January 19, my mother-in-law passed away. My husband and I were with her when she took her last breath and the cancer left but a shadow of her body. My husband, whose father died five years ago and who also lost his only brother in a car accident, is now the only living member of his nuclear family.

Like everyone else who experiences the death of a loved one, we took whatever energy we had left to plan a service in less than a week. The day before the service, on January 25th, we drove to Windsor, in a snow storm to move my mother to London; a date that was planned at the end of November. We moved her things into storage and she is now settled in with us until she begins receiving disability benefits, which, fingers crossed, should be early spring.

January 29 was my last day at rtraction. On January 30, I became an entrepreneur developing her business set to launch in September.

And that my friends, is how life goes. One little flap of a butterfly wing creates an unforgiving tornado that sweeps through your life and changes everything. And do you know what I think? I think it's the BEST THING EVER. To me, it is a sign of major transformation for my husband, my mother, my children, and myself. Will life in 2013 be challenging for us? Absolutely. Will it be scary at times? Absolutely. In times like these, I like to focus on the fantastic outcomes. For when the caterpillar enters the chrysalis and everything goes black and its body turns to goo, that's when the mystery enters and we just have to trust that it will know how to rebuild us in ways even we couldn't imagine for ourselves. Yes, these are exciting times for my family. And if I pay attention, there will be gifts around every corner waiting to reveal themselves along the way. 

And while we're at it, we are going to do some home renovations. What the hell... might as well keep the momentum going!

It's Not Just Positive Thinking... It's Work.

  The mind is powerful. We've heard it all before: when thoughts are focused and backed by will we can create anything. The will is a mental muscle. The problem is most of us have fat heads. Our thoughts are scattered and we do little to exercise our minds beyond the building of our perpetual "to-do" list.  Sure, many of us can proudly declare that we've set goals and have achieved them, but that doesn't necessarily mean the mind is strong.

The true ability to create anything doesn't just come from setting and accomplishing goals, it comes from being able to choose the quality of thoughts, which thereby increases the quality of not only what you create, but the quality of who you become in the process of creating. What good is it if you finally make your million dollars, but you're full of anger? Or if you lose that extra 20 lbs, but you're full of guilt? The why you want to create is more important than the what. The why is what will provide sustenance to your will, because if it's compelling enough it will be what pushes you to walk through the fires you are bound to face.  Becoming healthy so you can look good on the beach isn't as compelling as so you can physically enjoy life to the fullest.  Working toward that dream job so you can buy a new Mercedes-Benz isn't as compelling as so you can help more people with the extra money you earn.

Whenever you are trying to create something new, the creative process raises sensitivities that will either encourage you to reinforce existing bad habits or redefine who you are. The key is paying attention to your tendencies toward feelings of inadequacy or failure, which usually translates into anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, etc... basically all the feelings you don't enjoy feeling.

Self-defeating thoughts are bound to make an appearance, but it's up to you whether or not you accept them. Think of them as a function of self-preservation. They are merely a retaliation to your attempt to deviate from your current belief system, which defines who you currently are. It's an obstacle... a test to see how you will choose to proceed and just how strong your will is. It's also fork in the road. You could push through on will alone, but when you accomplish your goal, you'll just be the same person at a different spot. Insecurities from prior unchanged beliefs will continue to pester your mind. Worse yet, if you push through merely on will, the how to achieving your goal may also have a hefty price: How many relationships did you damage along the way? How many morals did you have to compromise? What harm did you bring to your body?

The real problem is when these self-defeating thoughts occur and you make the mistake of accepting them as wise thoughts. Once they're accepted, your actions will follow. The trick is to take those thoughts and put them under a magnifying glass. See how they've managed to run your life thus far; influencing the decisions you've made and the people you have allowed into our life. Maybe it's even some of those very same people speaking your negative thoughts for you. The biggest question you could ask is not How am I going to change all of this? But rather What do I need to change within myself to move forward? Maybe it's to be more forgiving of your past mistakes or more compassionate toward your imperfections. Whatever virtue is waiting to be retrieved will bring forth wisdom and in the end, a much better version of you.

It may take several sessions of chipping away at your obstacles. Chances are you will experience taking a few steps back for some of the progress you make. It may seem like all of this is slowing down your process, but if you persevere you'll find it's actually transforming who your are. It's hard work building a solid foundation, but in the end, it's what will turn your vision into your new reality.

"I'm a big believer in growth. Life is not about achievement, it's about learning and growth, and developing qualities like compassion, patience, perseverance, love, and joy, and so forth. And so if that is the case, then I think our goals should include something which stretches us."
 
- Jack Canfield, co-creator of "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

Never Water a Weed

My 7-year-old daughter was the inspiration for me to re-enter the blogosphere today. Until now, I've been only thinking about it and had it filed the 'action' part with the rest of the "some days" of my mind. But the truth is, I've been agonizing over the desire to share my thoughts in a way that inspires people and elicits positive connections with others. But today is the day... I'm back!

So why "Never Water a Weed"? This is where my daughter comes in. Earlier this evening, she and I were having a conversation about her taking the initiative to play soccer with a bunch of boys at recess today. I was glad to hear that she had taken a chance to do so and was anticipating a victorious ending; which was right about when she told me she stopped playing because one particular boy was laughing at her.

Her look indicated she knew what was coming next... one of my motivational talks, which for her is like cleaning her room; a painful process to start, but once it's done she always feels better.

"So you stopped playing because of that?" I responded. "You let that person take your joy away... You're going to let someone else make you shrink inside? Baby girl, you gave all your power away. So what are you going to do tomorrow?"

"Play soccer," she says with a smile.

"And laugh back if someone laughs at you again," I add.

"Yeah, and then I'll just say to him –"

That's when I cut her off. "Baby, never water a weed. You know what happens when you water a weed, don't you?"

"It grows big," she says, as she pantomimes a weed growing.

"And how easy is it to pull a weed out when it's big like that?" I ask.

In her dramatic 7-year-old voice she proclaims,"It's NOT!"

And in proper form, our philosophical discussion ended with her having more bounce in her step and I, wandering away while pondering what I had just said.

Today I realized I have a few weeds of my own I need to stop watering. There has been some negativity I have passively allowed to creep in my mind and the worst part is I have been watering those thoughts with belief. Sh*t! I know better than that.

In the days, weeks and months to come, I look forward to spending time in my garden (both figuratively and literally) pulling weeds and watering flowers. With this blog, it is my intention to plant seeds of inspiration and nurture growth for my readers... and reminding everyone to never water a weed.