The Truth About Following Your Heart

"Follow your heart"...It's a theme woven throughout all forms of media, from billboards to children's movies, but what does it even mean? And how do you even know when your heart is speaking to you?

The most important place to start is knowing which heart you intend on following before you even think about accepting this ambiguously ambitious mission.

Wait... I have more than one heart?
 
Yes, well... if you include your physical heart, that would make three, but only one heart is the one you are actually supposed to follow and it's not the thumper in your chest.

Energetically speaking, you have what I would call two non-physical hearts: one belongs to your personality, the other to your spirit (or higher self). The heart of the personality is governed by desires and fueled by lies and insecurities. It's responsible for the impulse purchase of the shoes you had to have because they'll make you look more (you fill in the blank). It causes you to eat food not because we're hungry, but because it makes you feel (you fill in the blank)... you get the picture. Essentially, the heart of the personality has the maturity of a two year old and therefore happiness is intense, but fleeting and greatly dependent upon the impossible and dangerous quest of doing whatever it takes to keep baby happy. This heart will trick you every time into making detrimentally selfish moves that will erode your sense of self and stuff your closet with more skeletons than you can shake a bone at. You could say the heart of the personality is the maker of addictions, the director of extramarital affairs, and the conductor of debt; its mantra varies but includes "I want" "me... mine... I...". Clearly, if this is the heart you choose to follow, you will be heading for serious trouble.

"The heart of the personality is governed by desires and fueled by lies and insecurities."

The heart of the human spirit, however, is the complete opposite. It is governed by virtue and fueled by truth. It will have you asking the tough questions and facing the hard answers. It will lead you to purpose, meaning and ultimately to serving others. The spiritual heart will make you hungry for connection and community, helping you find your tribe, while remaining compassionate toward the rest of your human family. The heart of the spirit is knowing and wise, appreciating the value of time and persistence. It's transparent and sustainable because it's honest and generates it's own contentment. It has less of a variety of mantras, but a plethora of questions like "what will be the impact?" "is this the right thing to do?" or for "what will be for the highest and greatest good?"

Now don't get me wrong. The heart of the personality isn't something you need to try to get rid of. Rather, all it needs is a little structure and training so it can serve spiritual heart. There is only one "you" in body, personality, skills and talents that needs to be accurately expressed into the world. You are more than your superficial wants and needs. 

Dig Deep

 
The trouble with the heart of the personality is it has no weight of substance to keep it grounded. It's like a kite in the wind moving in whichever direction desire takes it; easy to get twisted in tangled in the least desirable of places or suddenly crash hard and without warning. It is vital to tame that recklessly wild heart by digging deep and anchoring it to all of the important life guiding stuff only accessible by knowing one's self. Successful heart-based voyagers know that following your heart is the disciplined art of staying aligned with your values and virtues.

When identifying values, it's important to go beyond the obvious. You may say family, but perhaps what you really mean is close, meaningful and loving relationships (or whatever other adjectives you would use to describe family). You may say career, but you may mean using my talent and skills in meaningful way and being fairly compensated for it. When we expand on the adjectives that describe what's important to us, the more we are able to be detailed about what truly enriches our lives, the more we can hold ourselves accountable for truly nurturing and protecting them. If you haven't spent a lot of time finding out what your values are and rooting yourself to them, you truly have nothing guiding you. 

Once you uncover your values, the next thing to explore are your virtues. Which characteristics denotes a person living a highly respectful life? Honesty? Compassion? Discernment? Patience? Persistence? List these virtues and memorize them. These will become the standards by which you measure yourself and if you fall short in any area, you willingly commit to working hard to further developing them. Virtues keep you honest with yourself and are the building blocks of character. It's pretty hard to cultivate the virtue of honesty when you are about to charge that 10-day cruise to your credit card when you know you don't have the money in your bank account and you are determined to be more responsible with money. A strong character has the ability to look herself in the eye while gazing in the mirror and feel proud of the person she is–not how she looks–  because she's able to keep the heart of the personality in check.

Give yourself a “time-out”

By now, you are probably beginning to understand that following your heart is not a free-for-all. On the contrary, it is a very disciplined approach to living because once you have identified your values and virtues, you now have your own policing system in place. The beauty of being self-governed is the satisfaction you feel when you know you've done the right thing, as difficult as it was, and you can happily and proudly answer to yourself. Not only does living this way take will power, it is a constant flow of conscious, deeply personal decisions that no longer have you seeking external approval, thereby moving your source of happiness within yourself. While you may envision free-spirited, follow-your-bliss kind of person always saying "yes", freedom of heart requires saying "no" much more frequently.
 
And when you find yourself off course, which is bound to happen from time to time, it's important to sit it out for a while so you can stop what has been set in motion. Misalignment means it's time to be still and quiet. It's a time to tune into your spiritual heart and listen so you can get back on track again. It's also a time to be kind to yourself and forgive the wrong turns you have taken, while vowing to do better. In essence, you are bringing the hearts of the personality and spirit back into harmony with each other, which will be extremely important when you find yourself lost for reasons beyond your own navigational skills.

Dead ends and obstacles are guaranteed
 
A lot of upsets, mistakes and failures are sure to be encountered on this path. Remember this: discouragement is the enemy. If your spiritual heart still desires it, then you have no choice but to find away over, through, around or under the obstacle. Never fall for "well... I guess the Universe is telling me it just isn't meant to be." Bullsh*t. If you give up and continue to dwell about it for days after, the disappointment you feel is your spiritual heart telling you to push on and get ready to learn and grow in the process. If you don't listen, you are signing yourself up to settle and suffer. On the other hand, if you can give up and not think twice about it, then it wasn't really that important to you in the first place or maybe the desire ran its course and it's time to move on.  

As far as the obstacles are concerned, they may seem to block you from where you want to go, but in reality they are the perfect opportunity to test your character and strengthen or gain some skills by taking a stand on what you value and expressing your virtues. If your two hearts are working together, you will find a way through the challenge, but not without exerting effort or ingenuity. The more situations you find yourself exercising these muscles, the stronger your character becomes. Then you'll see that following your heart isn't so much about the outcome as it is about how the process changes you for the better. These changes and victories over challenges are the secret sauce to gaining confidence in your ability to accomplish anything you put your mind to, on your terms.

Be resourceful
 
As Frank Baum wrote through the words of Glinda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz, “You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself”.
Following your heart is not about pursuing, but expressing and building. You must know yourself to know what is seeking to be expressed.  I repeat... there is nothing out there to be pursued. It is simply channeling all of the experiences, skills and talents you already have and love using and expressing, with a healthy respect for the experiences, skills and talents yet to be discovered. Know what you are already good at, what you love doing so much that you could lose track of time while doing it and being paid to do it would be a bonus. It doesn't matter if the skills and talents are related, just know what is at your disposal. You never know how seemingly unrelated skills can be paired together to create a new opportunity for yourself or cleverly overcome obstacles; nothing is wasted on this path. And equally important is remaining curious about the latent aspects of yourself that are just waiting for the right timing and conditions to emerge. When you follow your true heart, you are armed with the strength, courage and wisdom to be able to face whatever comes your way, and will surely build a life you can be proud of.

Let There Be Light!

Today was the first morning we woke up to lights since February 18th. My husband flicked them on and watched with pleasure as everyone else in our family cringed and recoiled in objection. The strong reaction came as the aftermath of a"40-day experiment". In the spirit of Lent, my family and I committed to giving up something we may find challenging to go without, which ended up being lights and screens from sunset to sunrise, with exception on the weekend, when we could watch movies by candlelight. We called it the "40 day experiment" to remove the constraints of religion, while still holding on to the principles and values that are good to practice for personal growth, regardless of religious belief.

 We stayed true to our self-induced sacrifice for 34 of the 40 days. When my eldest daughter politely asked if we had to go without lights during her sleepover birthday party, I decided creating embarrassing memories for her 12th birthday in the name of personal growth wouldn't be a good idea and we kept the lights on for day 17 and then let them stay on longer than usual for the rest of the weekend– days 18 & 19– so we didn't have to cook by candlelight... again.  We also took a break on days 27 to 29, as we didn't want to fuss with candles in a hotel room during our mini getaway to Toronto for March Break. Even at fulfilling 85% of our commitment, we all had plenty to take away from living by candle light:

Pro #1 It increases productivity. It's far easier to do anything with access to light. Knowing that time with light was limited, meant you got shit done. This was true for all of us. As far as kids go, time is really an abstract concept until they start tracking time by the sun. Our kids became very aware of time limits and self monitored getting things done in an urgent manner because they could literally see that we were running out of light to work in.


Con #1 It decreases the number of hours in a work day. Whatever didn't get done was pushed to the next day.


Insight #1: Having electric lights tricks us into thinking we have more time to do things. This can either make us procrastinate (like kids) or squeeze in a way more 'things to do' than we would historically do in a single day. This experiment has proven to me because of electricity we cram far too much in a day and are working way more than we should.

Pro #2 It slows you down. Since you are limited in what you can do by candlelight you eventually lose the desire to do more in the evening. Instead, you simply wind down from the day. You are no longer rushing around to get things done because you can't move quickly in the dark; unless you want to bonk into a wall, catch your toe on a piece of furniture or catch your hair on fire.

Con #2a Things take longer to do. Looking for something in the basement at nine o'clock at night by candlelight takes time. So does making sure all bits of dinner have been washed off of the pots.

Insight #2: Accepting that nightfall signifies the work day is done allows our brain and body to relax. We all felt calmer in the evenings. 

Insight #2b: As a society, we have created a strong dependency on electric lights to the point that we've weakened our ability to 'see' in the dark. If we take the time to allow our eyes to focus and tune into our body's ability to sense objects in our environment, we can manage just fine with minimal light. The problem is we have to move slowly and mindfully to cultivate this skill, which isn't necessarily encouraged in a culture that highly values efficiency.  I think the person who can retrieve an object in the dark with patience and without injuring themselves has performed the job just as good, if not better than someone who flicks on the light and hastily grabs the same object. The first approach requires more awareness and skill than the second. If you were to put the latter person in the dark, you'd could very well have a stumbling, cursing fool who is in need of a first aid kit.

Pro # 3: Candlelight makes everything look better. Everyone and everything looks beautiful in reflecting the yellow-orange glow of candlelight. The element of fire is very primal and sacred. It's amorous and divine...  Yoga classes in my home studio were a definite hit. So was every dinner.

Con # 3: Blowing candles out was a bad idea.  For the first 17 days we had a cloud of smoke permeating our entire house after my husband and I blew out the candles. We'd open windows and fan doors back and forth just to try to dissipate the smoke. We also tried using a candle snuffer, but the same thing happened. It wasn't long before I began to really dislike the smell of candles after had been blown out. A yoga client suggested wetting our fingers or dousing them with a damp cloth. We opted for the damp cloth solution as the number of candles we would have to put out with our fingers would surely entail some pain. The good news is it worked and our house was smoke free for the rest of the experiment.

Insight #3: Even the act of putting out a candle flame should be done with care and not haste, lest the after affects linger longer than necessary. Wind is not the antidote to fire; water is. Remember this when encountering angry people.

Pro # 4: We noticed the sunrise everyday. Becoming dependent on sunlight meant we actually got to observe the sun rising and our bodies were able to wake up gradually instead of abruptly and rudely with the flick of a switch.

Con #4: Getting ready in the dark. For the first couple of days, this proved challenging as we had to adjust our routine and our patience levels, but once we established a new flow, we were able to manage quite well. Nothing and no one caught on fire once. Phew!

Insight #4: With the lights always on in the morning, we realized we were missing out on a very special part of the day. We also appreciated and used the light the sun provided.With electricity, we forget the simple, yet special offering of the sun to us each and every day. That beautiful ball of fire up in the cosmos helps to sustain us in so many ways and without it we would die. It's too bad we're often too busy to take notice of this daily gift. Be sure to thank the sun.

Pro #5a: We used up a massive load of candles sitting in our basement. We inherited these candles from my late mother-in-law, who I knew loved candles, but had no idea she had a stash so big! We ended up with a storage tub filled to the brim with candles– and that was after we sold a ton at last summer's garage sale. We now have a reasonable amount left that will be used within our lifetime. In fact, we may eventually have to buy candles.

Pro #5b: We saved money.  Surely, living without lights and screens in the evening for 34 days will have an impact on our hydro bill.

Pro #5c: We did something good for the planet. We were one less household requiring the typical amount of electricity for 34 days. We'd be silly to think our impact was measurable, but knowing we were using less resources than we had access to is gratifying; especially after visiting parts of Thailand and India where there wasn't enough electricity to go around. 

Con #5: Candles are not practical for the long term. Well, I guess they could be if you used them in smaller quantities, but if we were to continue living by candlelight, oil lanterns would be the way to go. In South India, they burn coconut oil at night.

All in all, I'd say this experiment was a great exercise. As a family, we strengthened our ability to work together as a team. With the kids, there was a decrease in conflicts related to time-sensitive tasks. And this year, Earth Hour was a breeze! I intend to make more of an effort of staying in tune with the natural rhythm of the sun. Although... here I am writing this blog post at 10:30 at night, long after the sun has gone down. Old habits are relentless! I guess the good news is tomorrow brings another opportunity to try again.

The 40-Day Experiment

Lent season is about to begin. Although I choose other means than my Catholic roots for spiritual expression, I find the principle behind Lent to be inspiring and with great potential for personal transformation. For those of you unfamiliar with Lent, it is a 40-day period of personal sacrifice to honour the death and rebirth of Christ.

A few years ago, for the first time in decades, I revisited this holiday after being inspired by one of my yoga students, who told me a tale of how her husband, two children and herself all declared personal sacrifices for the 40 days of Lent and the ways in which each of them was positively affected by their sacrifices. In fact, she told me, what they gained was worth more than the initial sacrifice.

If you know me, I LOVE positive change. So last year, I experimented and privately declared "40 days of Gratitude For My Husband".  Every day, on the wall closest to his side of the bed, I placed a handwritten sticky note of something specific I was grateful for that day as it related to him. Here's what it did: every day it put me on high alert to look for the ways in which my husband brings joy to my life. Once it started, I had to follow through because... you guessed it... by day three he was expecting another sticky note. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure it inspired my husband to give me something to write about. As we would get ready for bed at night, I would linger until I caught him reading my daily note just so I could watch his reaction. I must say, things that would have normally been taken for granted or go unnoticed by both of us were acknowledged and they clearly transformed the mundane into the extraordinary. When the 40 days were up, my husband looked at me and asked, "Can we make it into '80 days of Gratitude?'" We both laughed, but at the same time recognized the value of this little exercise of giving up time to give a little more appreciation. The other benefit of this experiment was a humbling of the ego, as for both of us awareness was no longer the self but on the other.

The beauty is you don't have to be a Christian to benefit from this exercise. If you are someone who is earnestly trying to become a better human being and to serve humanity, why not give it a go?  What would you be willing to sacrifice for the benefit of self and others? Below are some challenges that may pique your interest or lead to another idea. I'd love to hear what you'll commit to and the results of your 40 day experiment.

1.  Sacrifice violence. That's right... a violence detox. No more violent television shows, movies, video games. No more violent words or actions. This means you'll have to be a little more creative with how you express your anger. Oh... and violent thoughts count too!
2.  A Technology Fast. This can be done in many capacities. No electronics from sun-down to sun-up. It could be for one-hour daily. You make the call and then...unplug. Use the time you gain to act in ways that benefit others: volunteer at your favourite non-profit, help an elderly neighbour, spend quality time with loved ones, etc.
3. Commit to Sit. Give up 15 minutes a day before work or before bed to sit in silence. Meditate. Pray. Reflect on a high virtue like love, peace, unity... or just breathe.
4. Save your change. Skip the coffee and throw the money in a jar. Convince your latte drinking friends to do the same and then at the end of the month have fun pooling your coffee money together to donate to a charity of your choice.
5. Read Between the Lines. Read character building, value-instilling texts. Be curious and investigate several faiths to find what they all have in common.

 This year, I'm going to give up 15 minutes of sleep for an early morning meditation, as well as lights out from sun down to sun up– reminding me there are many places in the world without electricity and that there is value in simplicity. My candles are stocked. I'll let you know how my family responds!

A Change of Fate.

Do you believe in fate? I do, but probably not in the way you may think. I believe every single human life has an infinite number of possible destinies (or in more practical terms, "possible outcomes") existing in any given moment. Who we are within determines which life story we are most aligned with and will therefore experience. In other words, as long as we continue to change within, the life we will experience externally will also change. I will be turning 40 this year, yet I feel I've had many lives within those years. As I continue to change, each 'life' keeps getting better.  This is why I believe our destiny is not in the stars, but in our hands. 

Once we make a shift within and become the person that deserves a non-toxic relationship, a better job, a healthier lifestyle, etc., it will take some time before our external life can catch up and we see the results we've been waiting for. That's because the crystallized shift within will be meeting the resistance of the life we currently live. It's a storyline based on who we were before the shift, so please don't get discouraged by the mismatch.

 When your external world does start to finally shift, things are going to fall apart or rather, "disassemble" for a while so your life can rearrange. (Wink. This is experience talking) You might become sick, your marriage may fall apart, your friends may disappear... the ways life can become messy are truly endless. As painful as this process is, see it as a sign of progress– as your story (or your fate) being revised and rewritten. Try not to rush it. There is so much to learn as you navigate your way through all of the discomfort while wearing a big ol' blindfold. Instead, be still. Don't make any big movements. Grow wiser and stronger. Resist the urge to turn around and seek the comfort and familiarity of your old life. All kinds of excuses will entice you to go back to the way things were and if you succumb, the whole process will shut down and chronic internal suffering (a.k.a. Hell) will be all that you gain. Is that how you really want to live?

The final stage is redemption. All that you have waited for has arrived. No... it's more like you have arrived to all that has always been waiting for you.
Namaste.

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.

photo credit: stock.xchng

Maya Angelou once wrote an autobiography by the same title– a fascinating book that you should read if you haven't already, but that isn't what inspired this post.

No, it was reading the following words from Buddhist monk, Nichiren Daishonin:

"When a caged bird sings, birds who are flying in the sky are thereby summoned and gather around, and when the birds flying in the sky gather around, the bird in the cage strives to get out."

It is the amount of truth in this metaphor that renders its power. The "truth" being that if we can just stay close to our true nature, if we can continue to uplift others and create beauty despite our own suffering or limitations, our courage will be inspired and strengthened so we may break free and improve our own life circumstances.

And even when we are not aware of our substandard life– because a cage may be all we've ever known– if we continue to strive to add value to the world around us, new possibilities will come into view. They will inspire and motivate us to stretch beyond our current way of being, until one day we have found a way out of our cage... out of our small lives... allowing us to experience a freedom we've never known before, turning our ignorance into a spectacle for us to observe.

And the ones who are free... they are bound to the ones who are not. The joy they feel as their wings spread and carry them to new lands is never taken for granted. It is something they cannot withhold from others. All they need is to hear a song from a cage.

It's Not Just Positive Thinking... It's Work.

  The mind is powerful. We've heard it all before: when thoughts are focused and backed by will we can create anything. The will is a mental muscle. The problem is most of us have fat heads. Our thoughts are scattered and we do little to exercise our minds beyond the building of our perpetual "to-do" list.  Sure, many of us can proudly declare that we've set goals and have achieved them, but that doesn't necessarily mean the mind is strong.

The true ability to create anything doesn't just come from setting and accomplishing goals, it comes from being able to choose the quality of thoughts, which thereby increases the quality of not only what you create, but the quality of who you become in the process of creating. What good is it if you finally make your million dollars, but you're full of anger? Or if you lose that extra 20 lbs, but you're full of guilt? The why you want to create is more important than the what. The why is what will provide sustenance to your will, because if it's compelling enough it will be what pushes you to walk through the fires you are bound to face.  Becoming healthy so you can look good on the beach isn't as compelling as so you can physically enjoy life to the fullest.  Working toward that dream job so you can buy a new Mercedes-Benz isn't as compelling as so you can help more people with the extra money you earn.

Whenever you are trying to create something new, the creative process raises sensitivities that will either encourage you to reinforce existing bad habits or redefine who you are. The key is paying attention to your tendencies toward feelings of inadequacy or failure, which usually translates into anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, etc... basically all the feelings you don't enjoy feeling.

Self-defeating thoughts are bound to make an appearance, but it's up to you whether or not you accept them. Think of them as a function of self-preservation. They are merely a retaliation to your attempt to deviate from your current belief system, which defines who you currently are. It's an obstacle... a test to see how you will choose to proceed and just how strong your will is. It's also fork in the road. You could push through on will alone, but when you accomplish your goal, you'll just be the same person at a different spot. Insecurities from prior unchanged beliefs will continue to pester your mind. Worse yet, if you push through merely on will, the how to achieving your goal may also have a hefty price: How many relationships did you damage along the way? How many morals did you have to compromise? What harm did you bring to your body?

The real problem is when these self-defeating thoughts occur and you make the mistake of accepting them as wise thoughts. Once they're accepted, your actions will follow. The trick is to take those thoughts and put them under a magnifying glass. See how they've managed to run your life thus far; influencing the decisions you've made and the people you have allowed into our life. Maybe it's even some of those very same people speaking your negative thoughts for you. The biggest question you could ask is not How am I going to change all of this? But rather What do I need to change within myself to move forward? Maybe it's to be more forgiving of your past mistakes or more compassionate toward your imperfections. Whatever virtue is waiting to be retrieved will bring forth wisdom and in the end, a much better version of you.

It may take several sessions of chipping away at your obstacles. Chances are you will experience taking a few steps back for some of the progress you make. It may seem like all of this is slowing down your process, but if you persevere you'll find it's actually transforming who your are. It's hard work building a solid foundation, but in the end, it's what will turn your vision into your new reality.

"I'm a big believer in growth. Life is not about achievement, it's about learning and growth, and developing qualities like compassion, patience, perseverance, love, and joy, and so forth. And so if that is the case, then I think our goals should include something which stretches us."
 
- Jack Canfield, co-creator of "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

The Joys and Pains of Pleasure

 I've been lighting incense and buying a lot of coconut milk lately. I'm not in Thailand anymore, but I don't want to believe it. The other day, I ordered tom yum soup and was able to say "korp khun ka" just one more time. I continue to struggle to hold on to Thailand as long as I can before it slips into the recesses of my mind and my Canadian roots anchor my feet back to the ground. Thoughts of moving there have been playing mean tricks on me.  Extreme pleasure... is it different from extreme pain?

When something big happens in our lives, good or bad, it changes us. The unfolding that follows is the recovery period: with pain, it's healing from hurt, with pleasure, it's contracting from expansion.  When we heal we find wisdom, when we contract we find possibilities. With further thought, I guess we also find possibilities with healing and wisdom with contraction.

In the forest at Wat Umong, Chiang Mai

Extreme pleasure and pain involve personal rearranging and growth and both processes cannot be rushed because they have a timeline of their own, however one must take care to not let the present moment slip by unnoticed. It is in the present moment of healing or contraction that action is the most powerful. In fact, action becomes more like ritual and helps the process along.

Many years ago, my husband and I had a very sad ending to our first pregnancy, bringing extreme pain into our lives. To help recover from grief, I felt drawn to buying myself a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers every week. It was my way of remembering our baby boy and attempting to stay in the present moment. Deep down, I knew when I was ready to let go, I wouldn't need to buy the flowers anymore and of course, that's exactly what happened. I don't remember the exact day it happened, but I just stopped buying them. I do remember being able to notice beauty all around me again... in hindsight, buying flowers had become a ritual of hope.

My friend, Mae Bua Tong

Thailand, on the other hand, was all about extreme pleasure, to the point of being mystical: looking into the eye of an elephant as my daughter and I bathed her, listening to the chanting of buddhist monks– the sound soaking into my bones, breathing in the air of a rainforest thousands of years old, feeling the marble beneath my bare feet as we entered every wat (temple), tasting exotic spices and fruits that have never touched my tongue before, being alone and lost, but finding my way home... the Buddha images... the Buddha images.

Something has happened 'back there' and it continues to penetrate the deepest parts of who I am, beyond language and rational thinking. Cooking and eating Thai food has become my ritual as I navigate my way through the more mystical side of life. I feel compelled to read about Mystic Christianity (there's more to Jesus than you know) The Kabbalah, The Lotus Sutra, etc., etc., to revisit the truths beyond religion and to deepen the way I choose to live them. Don't ask. That's why I'm eating Thai food, because I don't get it either, but somehow it's all connected. The smells and tastes of the food is my way of remembering Thailand and what started all of this. I'm well aware a day will come when months will have passed since I've ordered a good dish of pad thai and on that day, I will be able to find out what this ritual has been about. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy the space I'm in: eating my Thai food, feeling my faith deepen and my connection to humanity and earth strengthen. Life... is... good.

Didn't Anyone Tell You About the Closet?

When I first met my husband, 15 years ago, I told him back then that as long as he was with me, he would never love the same person twice. Even as a 21 year old, I had consciously planned to evolve for the rest of my life, which meant my husband has grown accustomed to trying new things and observing me challenging myself in mind, body and soul.

Just last week, we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. At times, I didn't know if celebrating a decade of marriage would be a reality for us. Every marriage goes through it and from what I can see, it's a perfectly natural and good thing.

My husband and I met when we were 15 years younger. Our priorities were very different and we were without children. Fast forward to our current place on the timeline and neither one of us is remotely the same person we were back then, regardless if we were 'evolving consciously' or not. Yet, the sticky web of dynamics attempts to pull us into ways of interacting and Being that no longer serves us... and so the bumpy ride begins. If only a voice had said, "Hold on tight because this is the first ditch you vowed to dig yourselves out of when you said 'for better or for worse'".

I can understand how so many marriages dissolve or how affairs happen because let me tell you, that ditch is bleak. But in our case, after we took a closer look we found we weren't in a ditch at all. Rather, we were in our matrimonial closet of blames, hurts and ideals; all we had to do was open the door and clean the mess up. A lot had to go, but some treasures just needed to be dusted off and put to good use again. It took a few years, some emotional oscillating, new boundary setting, open and raw discussions and at last, fresh eyes to see each other with. It was like we entered a chrysalis together and were thrown off by the darkness and the losing of our form without realizing all the while we were shedding our old selves as a couple. Thankfully, we made it through.

After having gone through all of this and without being so naive as to think it will only happen once, we cannot deny our rich history together or that the depth of our love for each other has since expanded. We feel lighter and wiser. We acknowledge we don't know what our future will bring, but have a healthy awareness that the relationship we cultivate today will shape the one we have tomorrow.

And we now know it's better to clean out our closet on a regular basis than it is to wait until another decade passes.