Chaos and Calm Go Hand in Hand.

A death in the family. Crazy activity schedule for kids. Immediate and extended family demands that can't always be met. A new business to tend to... this, in a nutshell, is what's been happening in the last month.

Right now, everything is a blur.

Life just keeps happening no matter who you are. And yes, even being the yogi that I am, I still experience moments when I am reduced to a time-starved, high stressed, carb-eating human doing (not being). The truth is, this is the unsustainable part of the human experience in a privileged country.

Once in a while, things get super busy and chaotic. Depending on the nature of it all, it could last a few weeks, a month or a whole year, especially if there has been a major life crisis. The tough part is recognizing when the tornado of activity is over and it's time to readjust how we move through our day.  I see this quite often with people who are unable to lie still in relaxation at the end of a yoga class; they have the time and space to do nothing, but their bodies and minds just keep going.

Currently, slowing down isn't my struggle. Okay, I lie... it is. Only I have a strong desire to slow down, but the timing isn't quite right. I don't enjoy being this busy, but I do recognize this is the particular season of my life at the moment AND... it's a recently new season, so I have to allow myself time to adapt and adjust. Quite frequently throughout the day, I am checking in with my breathing, the amount of tension in my body and my state of mind.  I find minutes of refuge that feel like hours of recharge when I stop to take in a hug from one of my children, when I pause for a minute to sit silently in my backyard, when I sneak in a handstand before returning to my computer after a bathroom break, when my head hits my pillow at a decent bed time at night... No, these aren't prolonged moments of deep contemplation or silence. Nor are they long hikes in the forest or an evening out with girlfriends. These moments are fleeting, but as long as I can pause to appreciate them they still count and they still refuel my tank.  I know eventually they will grow in length and these hurried days will calm down... and then... start up again... and calm down again... This is life.

What I am struggling with is disappointing extended family members at my current lack of availability. There was a time when I was going to university full-time and working three jobs. There just wasn't enough time in the day to spend time with family. That time in my life is over, but this "season" is quite reminiscent of those old days. It's also reminiscent of a few years ago, when our daughters were 3- and 6-years-old and I returned to school full time to study corporate communications and public relations. It was extremely busy, but that time is over... And so too, this time will eventually come to an end. Chaos. Calm. Chaos. Calm.  Life is ever fluctuating and nothing stays the same. To my family... this won't last forever and I have to give myself permission to disappoint you. I know you still love me ;)

I thank the past version of my husband and myself for planning our annual back country canoe & camping trip to Algonquin Park back in May. I can't wait to embed and insulate myself with my family into the refuge of the wilderness. To wash off this last year of city dwelling and get back to being instead of doing– even if it's only for five days I will soak up every moment like it's a year long retreat. You can bet nobody will hear from me at all.

Not Too Hard, Not Too Easy

This time last year, my life was very different. I was working full time and life was going by way too fast. (I told my neighbour I loved him, remember?)  The real wake up call came when I realized a whole school year had almost passed and I didn't know who my children's teachers were– a hard pill to swallow being a former educator.

We had stopped eating fresh, slow-cooked meals because frozen, pre-cooked meals and (gulp) fast food had become more convenient. I remember one incident when my best friend was taking care of my girls after school. She drove them both to gymnastics for me and I later met up with them after work. I was wild-eyed and frantic, holding a bag of McDonald's food in my hand for dinner. I was on the verge of tears when I shook the bag at her and said "This is not how I want to live! This is NOT okay!" She and I laugh about it today, but that moment was a tell-tale sign I was living out of alignment with my values. I was suffering because of it and so was the rest of my family.

A year ago, we spent a lot of money on babysitting and if it weren't for teaching yoga, I would not have had any form of regular exercise because it was much harder to bail on 20 people who were waiting for me at the gym than it was to give in to the weight of being too tired. Speaking of  exercise and being too tired, I missed my husband and he missed me.

I finally gave myself my no-fail "when-I-take-my-last-breath-will-I-have-any-regrets" test and decided I had many regrets on the horizon if I didn't make some changes soon. I  didn't want to look up one day to see my daughters going off to university and know I wasn't there for them when I could've been. I didn't want to see my husband and I grow apart because I was too busy to work on our relationship. I needed to create more balance in my life.

Last May, I made the move to work only part-time. I'm making less money, but I've become richer in other ways and I am now enjoying the fruits of my decision.We're eating healthier. I can sit with my girls when they do their homework. I volunteer once a week in their classrooms and I'm involved with the school council. My husband and I laugh together every day and his odds of getting lucky have increased dramatically. I have room to express my creativity and better serve my community. Balance has been restored and we are all much happier.

Don't get me wrong, I still have busy phases. In fact, I'm in the middle of one right now; hence the single blog post for this month. Even so, I have more control of the flow of "busy-ness" in my life and it's a much more sustainable model. In Eastern philosophy it is recommended that life should not be too hard or too easy, but in the middle. I've found my middle... for now. How about you?

One Question

Who are you? Who are you really? The way you may define yourself may not be defining who you are at all, but rather the story of yourself. You may start by saying your name (nice, but did you choose it?) You may state your occupation or job title (you do realize you can be unemployed at any given moment, don't you?) You may share your relationships– like the number of siblings you have, married or single, with or without children (even these precious ties can be severed or randomly extinguished)

Many of the things you define yourself by are actually roles that you experience, not who you are. My name is Chantelle and I experience being a woman, a mother, a wife, and so on, but this is not who I am. Even my body is like a robe that I have donned during this existence, but who is experiencing all of this? It is the same thing experiencing life as a homeless man, a rock star, a saint and a pedophile– perhaps different levels of consciousness, but still the same thing. Call it mind, spirit, wild or natural it's always there running in the background and it connects us all.

If you spend the time to define yourself by what you are truly not, you become closer to what you truly are. And what that is is what the world craves most. It's what the world needs most.

Quiet contemplation with my youngest daughter

Here's a song by Lotus Theory, an indie band from London, Ontario, Canada to help you get started. And if you require a little more inspiration, listen to Indian philosopher Krishnamurti on the subject of who you are.  The path you take to get there is up to you... All I ask is you take the journey.

It's Becoming a Blur

Rushed home from work. Missed the school bus by three mins. Picked up Jasi from neighbour's (and best friend) - luckily husband Jeff was home. Quickly (and graciously) said thank you. Said goodbye and Jasi and I were off to pick up Aislinn at school.

Jasmine looked at me and said, "Mom, why did you say 'Love You!' to Jeff?"

"I did?"

"Yes! You said "Goodbye! Love You!" She was clearly confused.

Well that was awkward; for two reasons...  First– I don't love Jeff! I mean he's a great guy and I admire him, but he's my best friend's husband! I guess I do love him, but not in that way. Second reason– if I am unconscious enough to say that without realizing it, what else have I been saying?

Luckily that conversation ended with both of us laughing at how ridiculous it was for me to be in that much of a rush that I was throwing the "L-word" around. But in my mind, I'm thinking has saying 'I love you' become an automated script? Where's the meaning in that?

45 minutes later, the kids and I are at home, chasing each other around in the backyard and enjoying the weather. We come inside to start homework. I walk to the back door and glance once more at the backyard.

"OH MY GOSH!!" I yell to the kids.

"WHAT???" they yell back.

"THE DAFFODILS HAVE BLOOMED!!!" I'm really excited about this. Aislinn joins me and says–

"I know."

"They were like that when we were out there playing a few minutes ago?" I ask.

"Yeah."

I shake my head. We were actually in the garden lifting rocks and looking for bugs and I didn't even notice the beautiful daffodils??? What else have I been missing?

It's clearly time to slow down enough to be present again. It doesn't matter how I got to this point. What matters is what I do next. Life doesn't have to be this way...

Never Water a Weed

My 7-year-old daughter was the inspiration for me to re-enter the blogosphere today. Until now, I've been only thinking about it and had it filed the 'action' part with the rest of the "some days" of my mind. But the truth is, I've been agonizing over the desire to share my thoughts in a way that inspires people and elicits positive connections with others. But today is the day... I'm back!

So why "Never Water a Weed"? This is where my daughter comes in. Earlier this evening, she and I were having a conversation about her taking the initiative to play soccer with a bunch of boys at recess today. I was glad to hear that she had taken a chance to do so and was anticipating a victorious ending; which was right about when she told me she stopped playing because one particular boy was laughing at her.

Her look indicated she knew what was coming next... one of my motivational talks, which for her is like cleaning her room; a painful process to start, but once it's done she always feels better.

"So you stopped playing because of that?" I responded. "You let that person take your joy away... You're going to let someone else make you shrink inside? Baby girl, you gave all your power away. So what are you going to do tomorrow?"

"Play soccer," she says with a smile.

"And laugh back if someone laughs at you again," I add.

"Yeah, and then I'll just say to him –"

That's when I cut her off. "Baby, never water a weed. You know what happens when you water a weed, don't you?"

"It grows big," she says, as she pantomimes a weed growing.

"And how easy is it to pull a weed out when it's big like that?" I ask.

In her dramatic 7-year-old voice she proclaims,"It's NOT!"

And in proper form, our philosophical discussion ended with her having more bounce in her step and I, wandering away while pondering what I had just said.

Today I realized I have a few weeds of my own I need to stop watering. There has been some negativity I have passively allowed to creep in my mind and the worst part is I have been watering those thoughts with belief. Sh*t! I know better than that.

In the days, weeks and months to come, I look forward to spending time in my garden (both figuratively and literally) pulling weeds and watering flowers. With this blog, it is my intention to plant seeds of inspiration and nurture growth for my readers... and reminding everyone to never water a weed.