Another One Off My "Bucket List"

I've practiced yoga at 6:00 a.m. before, but never in the hallway of a hotel. It's not something on my bucket list, but what followed was: my husband and I running our first half marathon. My yoga practice not only warmed up my muscles, it focused my mind. I wasn't 100% sure if I could run the whole thing and I needed to cast away all doubt.

My husband and I (pre-race)

I drank my daily concoction of "greens"  that my husband packed for the both of us, ate a few slices of apples and then we were off. I felt confident I had enough energy to sustain me, given the amount of carbs I  had accumulated in my system from eating a large pasta dinner the night before.

With my step mother and our daughters in tow, Kevin and I made our way through the hotel lobby to catch the first taxi we saw. We could've easily walked to the start line, but... it was pouring rain. 

Great. Better stay dry as long as we can, I thought.

The good news was as soon as the run began the rain stopped. At that point, I could release the envy that crept into my mind and targeted everyone wearing a garbage bag. 

Within the first 15 minutes, my iPod quit working for reasons unknown. At that point, my crutch of comfort was taken away. No longer could I depend on the playlist of power songs I carefully put together the day before. No problem. The people, the music and the cheering put a smile on my face for the first 7 kilometers, until my right knee started hurting really bad. Then the people, the music and the cheering became necessities. I observed onlookers banging cowbells, which prompted me to begin yelling "MORE COWBELL!" so they would make more noise and distract me from the pain.

After 7 kilometers, my body was no longer running the show, my mind was:

My knee is really hurting. I hope I don't damage it.

It'll be okay. Just keep going.

But this totally contradicts the yogic view of honouring my body. I'm going beyond my limits.

Yes, but from a Buddhist view I'm overcoming an obstacle.

 Aww screw it. I didn't come all this way or bring my stepmother and children here to see me walk across the finish line. My yoga practice will make for a quick recovery. I'm not quitting.

Then I thought about olympic athletes, athletes with physical disabilities, and a co-worker who recently completed a half-iron man, which is 70km of running, biking and swimming, while she was sick. And when those thoughts didn't work, I recited a Buddhist mantra. Despite the feeling of my knee* threatening to give out at any moment, it held up and my husband and I crossed the finish line in 2 hours and 22 minutes.

This is what my half marathon experience has taught me:

1. Showing up counts as effort and builds momentum. Some people would rather talk about it than actually show up.
   
   
2. Showing up may count for something, but doing the actual work to achieve your goal requires conviction, perseverance, and people cheering from the side lines.
   
   
3. As Rachel Berdan (the co-worker I spoke about earlier) advised... "trust your training". The effort of your past actions will determine how ready you are to pursue your goal. Which leads me back to lesson #1- you can't just show up.
   
   
4. There was a sign someone was holding up along the route that read, "Losers never start. The weak never finish. Winners never quit." This kinda sums up lessons 1-3.
   
   
5. Rachel was right. When I stood at the start line, I realized I had been waiting for this moment and I was ready for it. All of my training brought me to this point, which confirms that any and all action toward any goal or dream means eventually you will not only show up for your moment, but you will finish it.
   
   
6. When you lose momentum or you feel like giving up, turn to your cheerleaders and encourage others along the way. I found myself spontaneously shouting at everyone around me, "Come on! You can do this! Don't quit!" You can try to lift your self up, but you gain more when you lift others up with you.
   
   
7. Never have a go at anything big alone. Having my husband running beside me kept me strong. Nothing beats approaching the "finish line", whatever that may be,  and seeing the faces of loved ones cheering you on, knowing they are witnessing an epic moment on your timeline.
   
   
8. Overcoming obstacles as a couple keep a marriage strong, especially ones you choose. That could mean eating healthier, getting out of debt or renovating a house. Carefully placed stressors make you work as a team.

So tell me... where are you in your half marathon of life? Watching others, while merely dreaming about pursuing that goal or dream? Have you showed up, but without doing the training only to say, "why bother?" or have you been working tirelessly with a vision of crossing the finish line? Maybe it's time to actually run. If you've been running and obstacles are in your way, don't give up and make sure you rely on those positive people you've surrounded yourself with. And... if you've crossed the finish line, maybe it's time you started helping others to do the same.

*After all is said and done, my knee is fine. And yes, yoga provided a quick recovery time– although on "day 3" of recovery I was sitting at an all day retreat for work and I kind of seized up. Mental note: stay moving post half-marathon.

My Favourite Skin & Hair Products

I am having an Oprah moment. I love finding products that work exceptionally well and then passing those discoveries on to everyone I know. Over the last decade, I have been waking up from my passive consumer sleep and paying attention to the ingredients on labels. I soon realized that I was giving myself a daily chemical bath– EW!

My daily regiment looked something like this:

Wash hair with chemicals
Wash body with chemicals
Style hair with chemicals
Moisturize body with chemicals
Brush teeth with chemicals
Block odor and sweat with chemicals
Add colour to my eyes, cheeks and lips with chemicals
Spray wrist and neck with chemicals

And... at the end of the day I would use more chemicals to wash my make up off. Perhaps, ladies, you can relate.

The biggest question that entered my mind after I discovered my chemical bathing habit was "How do all of these chemicals interact with each other when they're on my body at the same time?" I still don't know the answer, but it doesn't take a MENSA credential to know that it can't be good.

Whatever we put in or on our bodies either protects and promotes our health or it doesn't. To me the answer seemed clear, so I began a search for natural skin and hair products that work well and smell good. I suffered through ridiculously itchy (and smelly) armpits, big, frizzy hair and skin that I could sketch a self-portrait on with my finger nail. However, my perseverance paid off and eventually I was led to a collection of excellent skin & hair brands and their products*.

Look,  I am a mother of two daughters and one of them is a tween. The last thing I want to do is watch my daughters slather themselves with nastiness. When the time comes and IF they feel compelled to use beauty products I will have no problem pointing them to these gem brands.

*Please note, I have not been asked or paid by any of these companies to promote their products. I'm sharing this information because I am really happy with what they have to offer and would like to help people avoid the hair and skin mishaps I've had to experience before finding these products.

I use quite a few products from JayDancin . All of them are 100% natural. Every product I've tried I have fallen in love with. Here's what I use on a regular basis:

"Head to Toes" cream - Goodbye very dry and very cracked heels. Thank goodness because no one wants to look at yoga teacher with lizard feet! As the name suggests, this product can be used from head to toe and even used as eye make up remover. It carries a light lavender scent and comes with a little spatula to scoop the cream out with to avoid contamination from your fingers.

Body Butter - This stuff is heaven in a jar! It comes in unscented, which is great if you have a favourite scent you'd prefer to spritz on or prefer no scent at all, but if you like scented I highly recommend Goddess and yes... Patchouli; I guess that's the hippie in me. If you have dry, ashy skin– a term I picked up while teaching in Detroit after one of my students commented on my "ashy legs"– then you will love this product. Your skin will stay soft and smooth all day. I see they also have a new mango butter, which I will to have to try.

Organic Facial Wash & Toner - Remember those jujube candies we used to eat as kids that were shaped like a spearmint leaf sprinkled with sugar and tasted sweet and minty? That's what the scent of this facial wash will remind you of. It smells delicious and leaves your face feeling squeaky clean without drying out your skin. It's good for all skin types.

Mascara - Made from a beeswax base, it has great coverage and it washes off easily, so don't cry. 

Natural Mineral Foundation - First of all, do you know how happy I am find a powder that is the correct brown shugga tone?  If that is not an issue, I'm pretty sure you won't have a problem finding the right shade for you. This is a powder based product and it takes a little more thought to apply, but it's well worth it. It's best to sprinkle a little powder on a facial tissue and then lightly dust your face. You will have to be careful not to put too much on your brush or it will come out blotchy. If you visit the Vickie and her staff at the JayDancin store in Lambeth, they will be more than happy to give you a quick tutorial on how to apply it.

 Lip Gloss - It moisturizes well and I'm not grossed out when I lick my lips. JayDancin doesn't have a huge selection of colours, like you would find at a regular make up counter, however there's enough variety to find something that's right for you.

I haven't tried a lot of Rocky Mountain Soap Company products yet, but the one thing I will swear by is their deodorant. It's only available in roll-on, so it goes on wet and has to dry, but it actually works. You will still sweat because it is not an antiperspirant, however, if your body is trying to release perspiration from your body isn't it counter-intuitive to try to stop that process? Hmmm... something to think about. I do have to reapply it later in the day if I'm going for a run or to teach a yoga class, but it's not a big deal. I like the geranium scent, my husband alternates between Cypress and Men's Stuff scents.

I also use their Pomegranate Day Cream as my facial moisturizer. It's apparently for all skin types. I tend to have oily skin and I don't find it greasy at all.

I have to admit, as much as I love natural products I wish for a better selection when it comes to scents. Pacifica has answered my call. They have a very large selection of great smelling solid, roll on and spray perfume. They also carry body butter and body wash in matching scents. I've tried both and I'm very pleased. The body butter is more like a lotion and is not as oily as the JayDancin brand, which may be more suitable for skin that is less dry, but if you have dry skin like mine, you'll have to put a generous amount on to last throughout the day. I've only tried the Indian Coconut Nectar so far, which is a delicious scent for the summer, but I intend to have fun exploring other scents, as well as the other products they carry.

I use Sea Kelp shampoo and conditioner  by Jason which works great on curly hair like mine. I also use it on my girls' hair. The conditioner is super thick, which means we have to rinse it out really well, but our hair is soft, shiny and the frizz is under control. They also carry other formulas for different hair types.

(A close second for shampoo and conditioner is Nature Clean Pure Moisture Shampoo & Conditioner, their price point is a little higher compared to Jason and as they claim, their product is 98% natural, but when I need to switch things up this is my "go to" brand)

A friend of mine gave me some Gel-les'c hair gel by Curls to try and I fell in love right away. Finding good products that can tame the chia pet on my head (add water and watch it grow) is not an easy task. Like Nature Clean, their product has a much higher price point and is not 100% natural, but it's close enough to make me feel good about using it. It also has a great fruity smell that makes you want to eat it.


Hopefully you find this list helpful as you de-chemicalize your hair and skin routine. And if you find any other products that have not been mentioned here, but you absolutely love, let me know. Lastly, if you're not sure about what chemicals to avoid, check out lovethelabel.ca

Be good to yourself :)

A Time to Heal

June may have been about tying up lose ends, but July was definitely about healing. I spent most of my energy focusing on my mom, who had a disc removed from from her back. We've had a rocky road, she and I, but the last decade has been good and nothing felt more important and right than being of service to my mom during her time of need.

Like any significant moment in life where you have the luxury of advance notice of what it is about to happen, you enter the experience thinking you are prepared. The left brain likes to try to keep life fitting perfectly in a lovely little box and may even trick you into believing it is succeeding. But by the end of the experience, you realize there were many things you did not account for, like emotions, which are not so tidy.

When I met my mother in the elevator once she was released from the recovery room, I didn't anticipate the flood of emotion I experienced when I saw her strapped onto the hospital gurney with tubes sticking out of her. I knew she was okay, but there was something about seeing her so vulnerable that suddenly made me feel vulnerable as well and I stayed that way until my time taking care of her was over.

My mom has had a difficult life. I could go into how much it had to do with choice versus circumstance, but it doesn't matter. All I know is the woman I call my mother is a driving force in my life. She poured her heart and soul into me and gave me the wings she didn't have. But it had been a while since I had stepped into her world for more than 48 hours. As happy as I was with how far we had come, we apparently had more headway to make.

I cleaned and cleaned my mom's tiny basement apartment and was saddened that my mother didn't take better care of her living space, but I cleaned anyways... with love. It wasn't long before my expectations of cleanliness turned into a realization that I was cleaning up somebody else's dirt and it wasn't my mom's.  No, the dirt I was cleaning up belonged to the people in my mother's past who demeaned and abused her instead of giving her the love that she and every human being deserves.No, you're not unlovable, Mom. I love you and those days are over, but I know the battle still rages on in your head.

My Mom:)

I served her breakfast, lunch and dinner every day and felt good knowing that she was eating fresh, healthy food. We played a constant game of cat and mouse every time she would try to sneak a cigarette against her doctor's orders. I sought her approval as I went through her apartment and purged items that were either not being used or too dusty and stained with cigarette smoke to keep. We laughed at the giant cookbook by Good Housekeeping that I used to love looking at over and over as a child. When I was little, I used to pretend I was royalty and order the dishes for my feast by pointing to the pictures of delicious gourmet fare. When I made her laugh, our connection felt timeless and boundless and every night ended with a hug and a kiss goodnight.

Then it came time for me to leave and unlike my usual shorter visits, it was harder to say goodbye this time. The two hour drive home provided me with the space to process my visit and led me to the realization that the time spent with my mom wasn't just about her healing; it was also about our healing.

A Moment of Truth and Some Reflection...

I know, I know... it's been a while since I've posted. June was a particularly busy month– all I could do was hold on tight and pray for the month to end. According to our "1000 Places to See Before You Die" calendar, we were in Puerto Rico for the Month of June*, but I don't remember much. Our standard busy days had even more activities and events crammed into them and made it almost impossible to breathe. I managed to stay sane by knowing life would slow down again once we flipped the calendar page.

Ironically, June did bring a big relief. Let me explain. Last March, I gave a talk at Ignite London entitled "My Dying Wish", which you can watch here:

 What most people don't know is that the talk was actually part of my process of dealing with a mysterious mass I discovered on my neck a month earlier. I had gone to my family doctor and was waiting to see an ear, nose, throat specialist. I'm not going to lie. I was scared that it might be cancer. Not knowing when I would get answers had the potential of wreaking havoc on my overall well being, so I had to face my fears.

What was I afraid of? Well... dying, of course. Talking about death helped me prepare, as best I could, for facing the unknown. It brought me peace of mind and put to test everything I had come to understand over the last several years. The biggest suffering I experienced was caused by attachment. I love my husband and children and don't want to leave them– there was still so much for us to experience together. And my work here is far from finished– there is still so much I want to contribute to this world. I'm not even finished developing– I want to see who I become 50 years from now.

 But those are only "I wants" and life is so much bigger than that. As much as I would like to believe my wants drive my existence, my existence is also much bigger than that (and so is yours).  Our lives intersect with so many other lives and desires that it's beyond our comprehension and by appreciating my interconnectedness with the obvious and the obscure, I loosened my grip on my wants and left room for mystery and curiosity– after a couple of bouts of ugly cries.

Facing the fear of my life being over sooner than I had anticipated, helped me realize a few things:

1. If I die "before my time" it would all still be perfect. Up until now, I'm confident in the love I have infused into my family, the parenting abilities of my husband and the supportive network of our friends and family that I know my husband and two daughters would heal beautifully and become great contributors to society.
2. The balanced life I've come to successfully create does not need to be compromised. I don't have to try to do more in a shorter period of time. Whatever I've started during my earthly time will somehow be finished by someone else because we are all connected.
3. With the exception of speaking and writing more (and publicly declaring my vision of peace) I will die with no regrets.
4. I'm happy with the choices I've made in regards to my health. At this point, if it was my time then it was my time. With the exception of a few minor tweaks, there would be nothing more I could do to lead a healthier lifestyle. I was happy not to have pissed away my vitality.
   
5. Always leave room for the miracles in life. 

#5 was an important reminder in many ways, but mostly in facing my next fear: cancer treatment.
The idea of becoming sick to become better doesn't bode well with me. Nor does the idea of my children seeing mommy sick. I had the privilege of speaking to Dr. Rachelle and Dr. Kreso and hearing about their experience with thyroid cancer , which armed me with realistic alternatives.

 As you can guess,  the more information I sought and received, the more allowed my emotions to be immediately and fully expressed my fears subsided and I felt positioned to make any decision I may be faced with.

I'm glad I managed to establish a calm mind early on, because trying to get an answer wasn't easy. If I hadn't sought out an additional specialist to the one my family doctor referred me to, I would still be waiting for an appointment. Did I mention this process started back in February? Thanks to a friend, I found an ENT in Stratford who could see me, which I am very grateful for.

My close friend, Melanie and I would make my appointments in Stratford an excuse for a girls' road trip. My husband, Kevin, accompanied me for the biopsy and ultrasound results only to hear, "We haven't quite found what we're looking for, so we need you to come back for a CT scan." Since it was now May, hearing those words were disappointing and frustrating at the same time and threatened my calm state of mind.

I went to the CT scan by myself and I have to admit, I felt vulnerable. The contrast dye they injected into me prior to the scan made it difficult to breathe and made me feel extremely nauseous. It was enough to make me determined to never have another one.

 As luck (or the mysteries in life) would have it, the very next day after my CT scan I had an appointment with my family doctor for my annual check up, which was booked several months earlier. Thanks to technology, instead of waiting for an appointment with my ENT in Stratford to get the CT scan results, my GP was able to give me a much needed sneak peek. I am happy to say the results were in my favour. Unofficially, the mass is benign and is not attached to any lymph nodes or other important parts associated with the throat and it may have been present since birth. My final appointment with the ENT is in the near future, so I am still uncertain if a surgery will be necessary or not, but at this point I am just relieved and very humbled.

I am humbled by the people in our nation with serious health conditions and require medical care, but are not receiving it and may not know how to advocate for themselves. I've heard negative things about our medical system and from what I have experienced, it has confirmed for me that something is definitely broken and needs to be fixed. Like I said, I've had a request for a referral appointment with an ENT in London since February and four months later I still haven't a call.

I am even more humbled by the millions of people who have to face the reality of cancer and its effect on their lives, like my mother-in-law, who is currently battling stage IV breast cancer. Their road in life has got to be one of the most challenging. For those who survive, life takes on a much deeper meaning and for those who die they become courageous heroes.

As for me, I will continue to life in a way that when I take my last breath, I will have no regrets.

*For years on Boxing Day (Dec. 26th) or shortly thereafter (because calendars are 1/2 price!) I have been buying "1000 Places to See Before You Die" calendars. Each month is a big deal in our house because on the 1st day we get to see where we're "going" for the month. We take time to look at all of the pictures, say what we like or don't like about the scenery and then decide if we really would like to travel there one day. If so, we add it to our list of future travel destinations.

Get Rid of the Anger

I have seen my share of suffering: experiencing society's view of my skin colour, my parents divorce, domestic violence (within my family and experienced first hand*), poverty, the loss of a baby,  and my mother's struggles with schizoaffective disorder, which included 3 serious suicide attempts. Shortly after my 15th birthday until the birth of my oldest daughter, at the age of 29, my life was challenging to say the least. Not until the last 10 years has my life has become peaceful– that I have become peaceful.

Before then I was angry. I didn't want to have to mother my mother. I didn't want anyone to ever hit me or degrade me again. Anger kept me in a fighter's stance at all times. I kept throwing fists at life and wondered why I continued to be antagonized.

But what happens when you let go of that anger, when you open yourself up to something more? You quickly realize that anger has become part of your identity and without it, you suddenly feel vulnerable. Let me take a step back... you suddenly feel. You feel the hurt that is buried beneath the anger: the disappointment, the rejection, the sorrow of life not turning out the way you want it to and all of that translates into a feeling of not being good enough, like somehow you're broken and unworthy of love.  And if you let all of that go, grieving all of it at one time, because yes, you have realized you deserved better "back there", your body will release tears that have been stored inside for years, occupying the space reserved for self-worth.  You suddenly let go of the greedy child that takes– without permission– what she feels is rightfully hers and has tantrums when she is unable to.

Feeling gratitude while on a beach in Thailand last December.

When you let go of all of that, you create space for forgiveness of self and others as you realize, they too have acted out of a place of hurt and scarcity. You create space for gratitude as you realize there isn't a day, not even a moment that goes by without something to be grateful for, leading you to abundance instead of scarcity. You create space for love to enter your life in the most unpredictable forms and intensities, because you realize you are lovable. Most important of all, you create space to give love in the forms of compassion, kindness and acceptance not just to others, but to yourself.

Life is going to have challenges, but when you stay grounded in love, the agitation experienced in the mind is no different than the choppy waves on the surface of the ocean. If you dive below, the waters are calm and vast. Anger on the other hand, offers no relief. Have you ever tried diving into white water? I wouldn't recommend it.

"I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day."
                                                                                                                                                      - Og Mandino

(...and I will never water a weed.)

*To ward off any confusion, my experience with domestic violence happened prior to meeting my husband, during a long-term relationship of 6 years.

Do Good Anyway

It's been well over a month since I've finished reading "A Simple Path" by Mother Teresa, but these words, which appeared on one of the last few pages of her book, have stuck with me. They are important words that I would like to share with you:

No matter what, there will always be critics and naysayers of the good you are trying to do. There will be situations to make you think you've made a mistake and you'd be better off going back to living a quiet life– but you mustn't. All of the good things in life are good because people like you have exposed their heart and voluntarily made themselves vulnerable. Courage is always noble.

But, if you do get the wind knocked out of you or you stumble and fall, there's nothing wrong with taking a rest. Undesirable experiences are necessary for growth. They provide the required space to fine tune your vision and reevaluate your approach. Although it may be tempting, please don't give up. There can never be enough good in the world and you have something worthwhile to contribute– even when it seems pointless.

Not Too Hard, Not Too Easy

This time last year, my life was very different. I was working full time and life was going by way too fast. (I told my neighbour I loved him, remember?)  The real wake up call came when I realized a whole school year had almost passed and I didn't know who my children's teachers were– a hard pill to swallow being a former educator.

We had stopped eating fresh, slow-cooked meals because frozen, pre-cooked meals and (gulp) fast food had become more convenient. I remember one incident when my best friend was taking care of my girls after school. She drove them both to gymnastics for me and I later met up with them after work. I was wild-eyed and frantic, holding a bag of McDonald's food in my hand for dinner. I was on the verge of tears when I shook the bag at her and said "This is not how I want to live! This is NOT okay!" She and I laugh about it today, but that moment was a tell-tale sign I was living out of alignment with my values. I was suffering because of it and so was the rest of my family.

A year ago, we spent a lot of money on babysitting and if it weren't for teaching yoga, I would not have had any form of regular exercise because it was much harder to bail on 20 people who were waiting for me at the gym than it was to give in to the weight of being too tired. Speaking of  exercise and being too tired, I missed my husband and he missed me.

I finally gave myself my no-fail "when-I-take-my-last-breath-will-I-have-any-regrets" test and decided I had many regrets on the horizon if I didn't make some changes soon. I  didn't want to look up one day to see my daughters going off to university and know I wasn't there for them when I could've been. I didn't want to see my husband and I grow apart because I was too busy to work on our relationship. I needed to create more balance in my life.

Last May, I made the move to work only part-time. I'm making less money, but I've become richer in other ways and I am now enjoying the fruits of my decision.We're eating healthier. I can sit with my girls when they do their homework. I volunteer once a week in their classrooms and I'm involved with the school council. My husband and I laugh together every day and his odds of getting lucky have increased dramatically. I have room to express my creativity and better serve my community. Balance has been restored and we are all much happier.

Don't get me wrong, I still have busy phases. In fact, I'm in the middle of one right now; hence the single blog post for this month. Even so, I have more control of the flow of "busy-ness" in my life and it's a much more sustainable model. In Eastern philosophy it is recommended that life should not be too hard or too easy, but in the middle. I've found my middle... for now. How about you?

You Can Toss A Coin, But A Smile May Last Longer

For the last little while, I've been reading "A Simple Path" by Mother Teresa. She provides no-nonsense, practical advice on how to serve others. What I most enjoy about reading her book is the wisdom presented is not just Mother Teresa's. She invited her tireless volunteers–the lovely souls that have immersed themselves in her vision–to also share their lessons, ideas and gentle reminders. One little excerpt that has been particularly resonating with me comes from Brother Geoff, who was a General Servant of the Missionaries of Charity Brothers. He stated:

"Certainly, love is expressed first in being with before doing to someone. We have to continually renew our awareness of this because we can get caught up in a lot of the doing for. You see, if our actions do not first come from the desire to be with a person, then it really becomes just social work. When you are willing to be with a poor person you can recognize his need and if your love is genuine you naturally want to do what you can as an expression of your love. Service, in a way, is simply a means of expressing your being for that person–and often with the poorest people you cannot completely alleviate their problem. But by being with them, by being for them, whatever you can do for them makes a difference."

Being with vs. doing to. Connecting vs. donating. Homeless people have names. They are a son or a daughter. They have stories. Ken is someone in our community I've become familiar with. I first noticed him a couple of years ago during the summer months, sitting outside of the Grand Theatre asking for money during the lunch hour. I would walk by him while on my way to eat my lunch at Victoria Park and would politely apologize for not having any spare change. One day, I decided it was time to get to know this person I see every day. I was on my way to Victoria Park and instead of our usual interaction, I stopped walking, looked him in the eye and started a conversation that went something like this:

"Excuse me, what's your name?"
"Ken."
"Hi Ken. I see you out here every day and just wanted to say hello. My name is Chantelle." and I shook his hand.  "Are you hungry?"
"I sure am."
"I've got a beef & cheese sandwich for lunch to day, would you like half?"
"Sure."

I carefully took the sandwich out of my lunch bag and gave him half. He thanked me and I told him I would see him around.

 And see him around I have. Over the last two years we've often crossed paths downtown and always greet each other with a smile and have a quick conversation whenever we see each other. One time, I offered him my apple and he jovially pointed at his gummy smile and said, "I can't eat apples. I have no teeth!" I quickly apologized and together we laughed at my rather awkward moment.

Ken and I have become a familiar face to each other on an otherwise crowded street. I am for Ken. I think about him. I wish him happiness–whatever that looks like for him. I dream for him, too. I dream that whatever suffering he is enduring, he is one day able to use it to propel himself into a better life.

I know there are some out there who would cry, "but wishing and dreaming does not alleviate poverty." You're right. But creating policies and shelters do not create community. Warmth and compassion is a powerful currency and it is inclusive. It requires leaving your comfort zone more so than dropping a coin in a hat, but doesn't all being with?

Are you spiritual or religious?

That is the question Jonathan Haidt poses at the beginning of his TED Talk, which is interesting enough, but then he takes you on a thought-provoking, evolutionary ride. I would love for you to set aside 20 minutes to watch this and share your thoughts in the comment area below. Personally, I love the implications.

Choose Your Relationships Carefully

Take a look around you. Who do you call your friends and significant other? Do they inspire you to be the best version of yourself or do they at best, keep you in an average state?

I love nothing more than being around people who keep me stretching, call bullshit when it needs to be called and are there to remind me to get back on track at the slightest hint of derailment. If I'm bold enough to share my goals and vision with them, then I've given them permission to guard me like a pitbull. These same people who have high expectations and a strong moral compass expect me to also deliver the same function to them. My true friends are not threatened by my success nor am I threatened by theirs. We cheer each other on, provide motivation when we need to and refuse to believe in failure.

The truth is we cannot accomplish anything on our own. If you set goals, you better surround yourself with people who will not only support you, but push you as well... that is, if you're serious about actually accomplishing what you set out to do. Achieving goals is not a painless process. Sometimes you get weak. Sometimes your vision fails and you lose sight of where you want to go and who you want to be. The last thing you need are so-called "friends" to help blind your vision with doubt, fear or guilt. You need friends who energize you, not suck the life out of you.

Sometimes, it can seem comforting to have friends who will reinforce self-defeating habits because it makes it easier to defer your own advancement and succumb to your list of excuses. Maybe it's fear of failure. Maybe it's fear of success. It doesn't matter. Choosing to feel safe instead of overcoming your fear is the easy way out when you have friends who want you to be "safe" too.

We only progress as fast as the most resistant aspect of ourselves will allow us to. What end of the scale are your friends on: progression or resistance?  You better hope your friends will kick you in the pants when you need it or you're going no where fast.

Moral of the Story: Good friends are also bound to be a pain in the ass. 

Things Get Worse Before They Get Better

So... where have you been looking for peace? (or maybe you call it happiness...)

I've seen you buy those packages at the store.
I know about that bottle hidden in your drawer.
And you... you think it's buried between the legs of a multitude of lovers.
Have you found anything yet, in the fridge, under that cellophane cover?
Did you check your briefcase just one more time?
I'm sure you, sir, will find it after you snort just one more line...

Tell me, what does it feel like when you sit too long and that black hole gets too close? Does it make your life feel meaningless and incomplete? Do you feel like there's something more you should be doing, but not a clue as to what? Maybe you feel sad and lonely, like the darkness will swallow you whole. Do questions you dare not answer creep into your mind? Who Am I? Why Am I here? What is life really about?

Heart races.

Anxiety rattles your chest.

Quick! Go back to sleep before it pulls you in too deep!

Flip through the channels and go back into mindless mode.
Watch someone else's fake reality nicely unfold.

Tsk!Tsk! Not so quick!
I'm not going to leave this time...
I'm staying.
This is IT.

You've kept me quiet
For far too long
What you are about to learn is
I AM big. I AM strong.

I have a desire
That needs to be born
I have a purpose to be fulfilled
Consider yourself warned

I will break you
Make you crumble to your knees
I will make you forget who you are
And about your pursuit of greed

No longer will you be able to point your finger
Without noticing three more pointing back at you
YOU are the cause of your own suffering...
How's that for a new point of view?

Take a look at your life
The one you so carefully constructed
The one built on lies and sick stories....
Messed up, isn't it?

Let go of all you know
And let's go for a ride
I promise I'll bring you back
But you won't be the same inside

Let's start by losing the logic
Go ahead, take it off
And those five senses of yours...
Find the button and press stop

Where I'm taking you
Time and space do not exist
Where I'm taking you
You will merge with All That Is

But before I can do that
You have to let the pain come
It's going to be big
And you are going to come undone

It will rip your heart open
And crush your bones
Shhh... there...there...
You are not alone

Each tear that falls
Is my greatest gift
I'll collect them all
For you to sip

Salt water heals
And purifies the deepest of hurts
It forgives and loves
The worst of the worst

Tears cleanse the eyes
So you can properly see
What has always been in front of you
And all you were truly meant to be

You are greatness. Yes, it's true.
That which you have
been looking for
Is... you

And those situations
And circumstances from the past,
Those were merely experiences–
Not meant to last

You've held on to them
For far too long
Let them go now
There is no right or wrong

Exhale... Today is your birthday.
Isn't wonderful to be truly born?
You're a clean slate
Nothing tattered, nothing torn

The pen is in your hand
Write what needs to be written
But wait, before you do,
Something is missing...

The time has now come
to merge with The One
Shhh...

Ecstasy...

Bliss...

PURE LOVE. 

Why have a body when one can be soooo e x p a n d e d...

Time is up.
Back to earth you have landed.


Don't be upset
You've done nothing wrong
There's work to be done here
You can't stay out there too long

Try not to get attached to that moment
It was just another experience
It's not meant to distract you
From what needs to be taken serious

The gifts and talents
Unique to only you
Must be fully expressed
Shared and nurtured, too

Only you can fulfill your role
It fits you just right
But if you get too comfortable
Even that will feel too tight

Nothing in this life
Is meant for you to hold
So live with your hands wide open
And always let go.

When darkness comes now
You will understand
It is meant to refine you
And soften your hands

You have opened up the heart
And expanded the mind
Now nurture the body
And leave the past behind

You create your future
With your thoughts, words and actions
Be it for the highest and greatest good for all
Focused with intention and full of passion

Now you are AWAKE
Connected to everything
Higher consciousness affects the whole

So
 
lift
       
your
             
voice
                    
and
                            
sing.

It's Not Just Positive Thinking... It's Work.

  The mind is powerful. We've heard it all before: when thoughts are focused and backed by will we can create anything. The will is a mental muscle. The problem is most of us have fat heads. Our thoughts are scattered and we do little to exercise our minds beyond the building of our perpetual "to-do" list.  Sure, many of us can proudly declare that we've set goals and have achieved them, but that doesn't necessarily mean the mind is strong.

The true ability to create anything doesn't just come from setting and accomplishing goals, it comes from being able to choose the quality of thoughts, which thereby increases the quality of not only what you create, but the quality of who you become in the process of creating. What good is it if you finally make your million dollars, but you're full of anger? Or if you lose that extra 20 lbs, but you're full of guilt? The why you want to create is more important than the what. The why is what will provide sustenance to your will, because if it's compelling enough it will be what pushes you to walk through the fires you are bound to face.  Becoming healthy so you can look good on the beach isn't as compelling as so you can physically enjoy life to the fullest.  Working toward that dream job so you can buy a new Mercedes-Benz isn't as compelling as so you can help more people with the extra money you earn.

Whenever you are trying to create something new, the creative process raises sensitivities that will either encourage you to reinforce existing bad habits or redefine who you are. The key is paying attention to your tendencies toward feelings of inadequacy or failure, which usually translates into anger, jealousy, shame, guilt, etc... basically all the feelings you don't enjoy feeling.

Self-defeating thoughts are bound to make an appearance, but it's up to you whether or not you accept them. Think of them as a function of self-preservation. They are merely a retaliation to your attempt to deviate from your current belief system, which defines who you currently are. It's an obstacle... a test to see how you will choose to proceed and just how strong your will is. It's also fork in the road. You could push through on will alone, but when you accomplish your goal, you'll just be the same person at a different spot. Insecurities from prior unchanged beliefs will continue to pester your mind. Worse yet, if you push through merely on will, the how to achieving your goal may also have a hefty price: How many relationships did you damage along the way? How many morals did you have to compromise? What harm did you bring to your body?

The real problem is when these self-defeating thoughts occur and you make the mistake of accepting them as wise thoughts. Once they're accepted, your actions will follow. The trick is to take those thoughts and put them under a magnifying glass. See how they've managed to run your life thus far; influencing the decisions you've made and the people you have allowed into our life. Maybe it's even some of those very same people speaking your negative thoughts for you. The biggest question you could ask is not How am I going to change all of this? But rather What do I need to change within myself to move forward? Maybe it's to be more forgiving of your past mistakes or more compassionate toward your imperfections. Whatever virtue is waiting to be retrieved will bring forth wisdom and in the end, a much better version of you.

It may take several sessions of chipping away at your obstacles. Chances are you will experience taking a few steps back for some of the progress you make. It may seem like all of this is slowing down your process, but if you persevere you'll find it's actually transforming who your are. It's hard work building a solid foundation, but in the end, it's what will turn your vision into your new reality.

"I'm a big believer in growth. Life is not about achievement, it's about learning and growth, and developing qualities like compassion, patience, perseverance, love, and joy, and so forth. And so if that is the case, then I think our goals should include something which stretches us."
 
- Jack Canfield, co-creator of "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

The Joys and Pains of Pleasure

 I've been lighting incense and buying a lot of coconut milk lately. I'm not in Thailand anymore, but I don't want to believe it. The other day, I ordered tom yum soup and was able to say "korp khun ka" just one more time. I continue to struggle to hold on to Thailand as long as I can before it slips into the recesses of my mind and my Canadian roots anchor my feet back to the ground. Thoughts of moving there have been playing mean tricks on me.  Extreme pleasure... is it different from extreme pain?

When something big happens in our lives, good or bad, it changes us. The unfolding that follows is the recovery period: with pain, it's healing from hurt, with pleasure, it's contracting from expansion.  When we heal we find wisdom, when we contract we find possibilities. With further thought, I guess we also find possibilities with healing and wisdom with contraction.

In the forest at Wat Umong, Chiang Mai

Extreme pleasure and pain involve personal rearranging and growth and both processes cannot be rushed because they have a timeline of their own, however one must take care to not let the present moment slip by unnoticed. It is in the present moment of healing or contraction that action is the most powerful. In fact, action becomes more like ritual and helps the process along.

Many years ago, my husband and I had a very sad ending to our first pregnancy, bringing extreme pain into our lives. To help recover from grief, I felt drawn to buying myself a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers every week. It was my way of remembering our baby boy and attempting to stay in the present moment. Deep down, I knew when I was ready to let go, I wouldn't need to buy the flowers anymore and of course, that's exactly what happened. I don't remember the exact day it happened, but I just stopped buying them. I do remember being able to notice beauty all around me again... in hindsight, buying flowers had become a ritual of hope.

My friend, Mae Bua Tong

Thailand, on the other hand, was all about extreme pleasure, to the point of being mystical: looking into the eye of an elephant as my daughter and I bathed her, listening to the chanting of buddhist monks– the sound soaking into my bones, breathing in the air of a rainforest thousands of years old, feeling the marble beneath my bare feet as we entered every wat (temple), tasting exotic spices and fruits that have never touched my tongue before, being alone and lost, but finding my way home... the Buddha images... the Buddha images.

Something has happened 'back there' and it continues to penetrate the deepest parts of who I am, beyond language and rational thinking. Cooking and eating Thai food has become my ritual as I navigate my way through the more mystical side of life. I feel compelled to read about Mystic Christianity (there's more to Jesus than you know) The Kabbalah, The Lotus Sutra, etc., etc., to revisit the truths beyond religion and to deepen the way I choose to live them. Don't ask. That's why I'm eating Thai food, because I don't get it either, but somehow it's all connected. The smells and tastes of the food is my way of remembering Thailand and what started all of this. I'm well aware a day will come when months will have passed since I've ordered a good dish of pad thai and on that day, I will be able to find out what this ritual has been about. In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy the space I'm in: eating my Thai food, feeling my faith deepen and my connection to humanity and earth strengthen. Life... is... good.